P.J.'s Due Date is almost here...

As the days of September pass one by one I become closer to my due date for P.J.
She was due on 9/22/10. It is important to me to commemorate her in some way but I feel lost when trying to determine the best way to accomplish that.
My life is so much different now that it would have been had I not lost her. I miss her and still think of her every day and how my life would be better if she were here.
Originally I wanted to plant a tree to honor her short life but I don’t own a home and I’m not sure my mother’s house is the right place to plant it either because she may decide to sell her house soon.

Oh… I don’t know what to do!! I can’t let that day come and go and only remember her with my own tears. I need something special.

Please share any ideas you may have.

Mommy misses you PJ!!!

What's so perfect about THIS plan?

If you've never lived it you might tell someone that their miscarriage is part of God's perfect plan. Perhaps you HAVE lived it and you believe in a perfect plan. I'm facing miscarriage number 2 and I honestly don't see anything perfect about it.

I got my BFP earlier this week and went into my RE for bloodwork only to be told that my HCG was only at an 8. That's much too low for a viable pregnancy. So now I wait to miscarry again.

I worried this day might come but I kept "thinking positive" like people say to do... it won't happen to me. When does positive thinking cross over into denial? Anyway... I didn't think it would happen to me. I knew it was possible but surely I'm not someone who is going to suffer recurrent miscarriages??? Surely not.

Yet, here I am. I mourn the loss of this baby while mending old wounds from losing PJ. I will name this baby soon but I'm just not ready yet.

RE wants to do a "recurrent miscarriage blood panel" so hopefully that will reveal why I can GET pregnant but I can't seem to STAY pregnant.
I just can't seem to keep my babies alive. :( It's an awful feeling.

Looking back...

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you all. I’ve seen such a drastic improvement in my mood since my doctor switched my medication that I guess I’ve felt good enough to get out and live my life and haven’t really set aside time for blogging! I won’t write as much to this one because now I’ve started a new TTC blog. I’ve considered doing a Vlog since I have a built-in camera on my laptop but I’m a little camera shy. LOL!! We’ll see.
I’m back at work and feeling more and more like my old self every day. I still have my moments of tears for PJ but all in all I’m doing better. I want to say that looking back, I have NO REGRETS about the length of time I took off work (even though in the beginning I did). Now that I’m feeling better I realize just how much I needed that time to process what I’d been through. I encourage those of you who have experienced the loss of a child to really be gentle and patient with yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. Time free of guilt, judgment, and stress. I believe I would have taken steps backward instead of moving forward if I had gone back to work too soon. Trust me when I say that people around you will have their own opinions about how you are handling your loss. Some will share those opinions and others won’t but rest with comfort in the fact that you are your own expert. Nobody can tell you what is right or wrong for you. Everyone heals differently and it’s very difficult to define. You are the bereaved parent, therefore the expert on your own grief and healing. Trust yourself and do what feels right.
I think that’s the ONLY reason that I can proudly say that I am a SURVIVER of miscarriage.
Much love to you all.
XOXOXO

Change

Mother's Day was quite difficult for me. Knowing that I would have been over 20 weeks pregnant and would have had an u/s to determine the sex of the baby (though I do believe it was a girl)... it was difficult to realize that Mother's Day was supposed to be this beautiful day for the "mother-to-be" and now it's not. I'm empty.
My friends have been saying for years that I'm already a mother because of my nature and because of the way I've mothered my nephews so I usually get a "Happy Mother's Day" from them. I did get that from my mom and from one friend but it was difficult to NOT receive that from people who usually would recognize me on this day every year, especially since now I really AM a mother... bereaved, but a mother just the same. It hurt.
I have to remind myself that people don't know what to say or how to behave after a miscarriage. They just don't and neither did I before it happened to me so I must forgive the people I care about for being incapable of supporting me during this time. It is difficult though.
I will say that I believe my new medication is working. I'm beginning to feel more motivated and I feel like I actually have some hope! That's right... I said HOPE! It's refreshing because it wasn't long ago that I thought I'd never have hope again. I'm feeling more like myself each day and for that I am grateful.
I wish I didn't have this nagging feeling that friendships were slipping away. Not completely but maybe "changing" is a more appropriate word. It's not exactly the change I was going for and I don't much like it but I don't much have control over it either. So, here's to change and doing my best to see the good in it!

A letter to my daughter

Hello my darling daughter. I've wanted to write this letter to you for a long time now. It's difficult to find the words to express my love for you and my feelings about losing you.

The day I found out that you had come into my life was one of the happiest days of my life. I kept pinching myself because I thought to myself, surely I am dreaming!! I wasn't. You were here and you were real. The first person I told about you was Nanna. She was so excited and also in disbelief! She bought Mommy a dozen pink roses because she just knew she was getting a new granddaughter. Nanna loves and misses you so much. She gave me a Mother's Day card, which means the world to me. It's important for people to know that I'm still your Mom.

I will never forget the day I saw your tiny heart beating inside me. It was the single most beautiful day of my life.

Only 2 weeks later I experienced the worst day of my life; the day I found out that you had left us in spirit. My heart was shattered that I'd lost my precious baby girl. My heart is still broken over losing you but I try to remind myself that the only reason I hurt so much is because I had the privilege of loving you so deeply.
You will always be a part of my life even though you are not here with me on this earth. I feel you all around me; in the cool breeze on my skin, in the fragrant flowers of spring, in the rain on my shoulders and the sun shining on my face.
I wish you could be here to experience all the love we have for you.

Your Nanna supported me, and continues to support me, through the grieving process and through the growth process of learning acceptance. She is a remarkable human being and would have showered you with so many hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love.
Nanna loves you!!

Pops experienced heartbreak when I lost you as well. He was so excited about having a new grand baby. Pops is a man with integrity and love, childlike playfulness and generosity. He is a man that chose to become Mommy's daddy even though he didn't have to. He always treated me as his own.
Pops loves you!!

Your Uncle AJ (or as your cousins call him "Uncle J") is a funny, tender, loving, sentimental and VERY talented young man. He has dreamed of meeting you even before you were conceived. He would have been an overflowing source of love and affection.
Uncle J loves you!!

Your Aunt Jessica was beyond thrilled when I told her I was pregnant with you. She couldn't wait to meet you and for you and her three boys (your cousins) to play together. She is a very loving and fun aunt and you would have adored her as much as I do. She would have let you do things when Mommy said, "no". She's a beautiful person and cried when I told her you were gone. She misses you.
Aunt Jessica loves you!!

Kasen, Christopher and Tyler are your cousins. The were excited to find out that their Aunt Charity was pregnant with a sweet little baby. The couldn't wait to meet you and would ask about you each time I spoke to them on the phone. They were so sad to hear that you'd left us in spirit and they made cards for Mommy to cheer me up. Those boys are my heart and I know even though we live far apart you would have been close with them.
Kasen, Christopher and Tyler love you!!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and you're not here, growing inside me. I miss you so much it hurts. Mommy just wants you to know that even though I've been so sad, none of this is your fault. My love for you is so strong that it's beginning to overshadow the pain. I will never forget you. My family, no matter how large it should grow, will always be one family member short. You are my daughter and you always will be. I will always love you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. I wonder how big you would be now and I often think about what you might have looked like. Maybe you would have looked like Mommy or your donor dad? Maybe you would have looked like your Uncle J or your Aunt Jessica or your Nanna? I know you would have been beautiful.

Though the pain still runs deep, I hold the utmost love and gratitude for you.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for choosing me to be your Mommy.

I love you PJ!!!

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy

Ready for a change

Here I am, CD6 and still bleeding and cramping. Ugh!! I'm actually ready for a change in my attitude though. I'm so tired of waking up in the mornings with the hopeless feeling that I can't get through another day. The feeling that I might as well stay in bed because nothing else matters. Why bother? I've had a "good day" here and there but I always end up right back here in the thick of it.

See, I'm not new to depression. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression 13 years ago even though the depression actually began when I was closer to 12 or 13.
I want to get a handle on the depression before getting back into TTC but then I think about the strong possibility that I could end up suffering from Postpartum Depression. That really scares me. :(

When I start thinking about those things I become even more hopeless but the thought of never having a child of my own is even worse. See how this works?

I saw my psychiatrist on Monday so I just need to be a little more patient to see if this new medication will be helpful. I really hope so. I hate being in this place. I'm ready for a change!!!

20 weeks

Today I would have been 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway through my pregnancy with PJ. I so miss being pregnant and miss my sweet little baby. I think about how big she would be now and how big I would be!! It's difficult to fight back the tears on days like today when I think of missed milestones. I do much better now and I'm' able to talk about her without crying but on days like today, I just fall apart all over again.

PJ, Mommy loves you so much and will NEVER EVER forget you. You will be a special part of my life forever and will never be forgotten. You are my child and I love you!!!

Love, Mommy

OUCH!!!

AF has been a big, mean, meanie this time around. The cramping and bleeding have been super heavy and painful. Ugh! Hoping this will let up soon. It's made for a dull weekend with me in bed with my heating pad for the majority of the time.

The good news is that emotionally, I'm feeling a bit better today. Not quite so down in the dumps and feeling slightly optimistic. Not sure where it's coming from but I'm not complaining!! haha. I'm glad to have a good day after so many bad ones.

Hoping tomorrow will be a good day with continued emotional improvement and hopefully less cramping. Maybe I'll actually get some things done! I have so much cleaning and organizing to do now that the plumbing has been fixed. The leak was so bad that the tile floors are just awful and will take some extra effort to clean up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I feel good enough to be productive tomorrow and get it done.

I will be using OPKs this month to check for ovulation timing. I'll be doing that the next few months just to monitor my cycles to see where I am which will be helpful when I decide to begin TTC again.

Okay, that's all for now. More tomorrow.
XOXO

Charity

CD1

Well... today it begins again. Cycle day 1. AF is here in full force and she brought her buddy "cramps" with her. My cycle this time was 32 days. Before my pregnancy I had a 28 day cycle. Plus I O'd on cd16 and usually it's cd14. Maybe things are still getting back to normal or maybe my cycle has changed for good. I hear pregnancy can do that.

Saturday we had a slab leak in the house and my room got completely flooded!! It has been such a mess. I've stayed with my mom and step-dad this week because we had to have the water shut off. I'm back home today (still no water) but the plumbers are doing their thing so I'm happy. Re-plumbing the whole house!! They say they'll be done by this evening. Who knew they could re-plumb in one day? I thought it would take a week or so. I'm very happy and luckily no "plumber's crack" yet. LOL!! Ready to be back home and get things cleaned up here. When the flood occurred it was under the slab which meant that all the dirt from the ground was coming in too. You wouldn't believe the amount of sandy "mud" was in my room! All the furniture is moved around and I'll be glad when we can clean up and get it back to normal.

Depression is still here but not so bad this morning. I'm feeling okay and I'm thinking today is going to be a good day.

Okay... bye for now.

PJ's Momma

Fake it to make it... to new beginnings!!

Still feeling depressed. I know my readers must be tired of reading those words... I sure am tired of typing them! I'm trying to do things to improve my mood. I actually exercised today! It wasn't much but it was something. I went for a two mile bike ride on my mom's exercise bike.
I really want to make this work and giving up just can't be an option. So, with that I am announcing my plan to begin trying to conceive - again.
This won't be something I'll start over night because it can take a few months for my cycles to get back to normal. But... after having the laparoscopy and getting all the endometriosis cleaned out of my body I'm like new again (reproductively anyway). I now know I CAN get pregnant and at this moment I do not have endometriosis so it is a great time to begin thinking about trying again. Believe me when I say I'm still scared. I'm REALLY scared. But... more scary than this is the thought of never having a child to raise.
I think my main fear is that my depression doesn't seem to be subsiding and I don't have time for that! I need to get back to "normal", whatever that is, so I can be ready to begin TTC again. I don't want to begin again while I'm still depressed; especially since the fertility drugs/hormones make me crazy enough. ugh!
I want to feel better and I'm working hard to accomplish that. Something that I have to remind myself is that there are things I need to do whether I FEEL like it or not. I think my problem is that I keep waiting to feel MOTIVATED to do things and the reality is I need to "fake it till I make it".
AF is definitely on her way... I've been cramping quite a bit - which has been a disappointment since I've had my lap surgery and I was hoping it would ease the pain I normally have. (sigh)
I want to be a mother badly enough that I will force myself to do things that I don't FEEL like doing.... AND the purpose of this blog is to inspire people, not bring them down so I will work on the negativity I post here. I think it's what PJ would want me to do.

My hope is that I can get my depression under control by mid summer. I'd like to begin TTC again in July or perhaps August. I believe PJ is going to help to choose a brother or sister for herself and a precious bundle for mommy.
Thanks for reading and thanks for all the encouragement I receive from my readers!

~ Charity

Mommy loves you so much, PJ!!

Just for today...

I would like to share with you something that one of my readers shared with me. I found it inspiring and expressive of the way I often feel. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have.

A special thank you to June, for sharing these touching words with all of us!!

_____________________________________
Just for Today - For Bereaved Parents

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just the death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared while inside my womb.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend that knew of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would of done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for even a short while.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting my child by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

Help

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been at a loss for words. My depression is here in full force and I'm not sure what to do with it. All I want to do is sleep and cry. There's not much in my life that seems meaningful. I'm trying each day to put on my positive attitude but it never lasts long. It doesn't feel authentic. What feels real is that my life is a mess and I don't have the motivation to clean it up. It seemed as though things were looking up and I was beginning to have hope again but where has it gone? I just feel so tired... tired of feeling sad, tired of feeling hopeless, tired of being sick, tired of my job, tired of school, tired of everything.

I'll be following up with my psychiatrist soon and I'm thinking maybe a change of medication would be a good plan. I hate living like this and feeling like this. It makes me disgusted with myself. I wish I could have a new life... a better one. Meanwhile there are people in the world with much worse existences than mine and all I can do is complain. I need help.

Goals

Short term goals
- go for a 10 minute walk every day
- quit smoking (after my m/c I became so depressed I picked up the cigarettes again)
- get a new job (I am miserable at my current job and life is too short to spend that much time doing something that makes me so unhappy)
- get back into school (beginning the summer semester in May)
- begin meditation practices every day
- call to inquire about acupuncture (I've heard wonderful things about how stress relieving it can be)
- begin dating again

Long term goals
- finish my masters degree in social work
- move into the apartment attached to mom's house to save money
- plan PJ's memorial service (write a letter to PJ and plant a tree in her honor)
- lose weight (40 pounds)

I'm sure I'll think of more later and I'll add to these lists but this is enough to get me started.

Charity
XOXO

Ear Infection

Still haven't managed my list of short term and long term goals. I've been feeling quite under the weather and I now know why! I finally got in to see my regular doctor and found out that I have a severe ear infection. My ear has been blocked for over a week now and it hurts quite a bit. Luckily, she has started me on new antibiotics (the stuff I got from the urgent care clinic was no good). So I'll be taking those for the next 10 days along with mucinex, ear drops for the pain, and flonase for my sinus congestion. My goodness!! Hopefully these things will do the trick because if it's not better in one week I'll have to go on to an ENT (ear/nose/throat doctor) to have a small slit made in the ear drum so they can drain the eustachian tube. I know... GROSS! But, that's what I'm dealing with here. Hopefully we won't have to go that route because it sounds awfully painful! So rest, plenty of fluids, meds, and humidifier around the clock... that's what's on the agenda for me. Sounds like fun, eh?

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to write and post my list of goals.
Missing PJ today, as always. Mommy loves you!

~ Charity

Remembering PJ

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Still sick...

Still feeling pretty yucky with this sinus and ear infection. If I still have no improvement by tomorrow I will be contacting my regular doctor for a follow up appointment. Not that the Solantic doctor wasn't good but I would be more comfortable if my regular doc could take a look in my ear and tell me what's going on. It's hurting a bit now and tomorrow will be day three on the antibiotics. I was hoping to have at least a tiny improvement by now but nothing yet. Sometimes it actually seems to be getting worse. ugh! My left ear just feels like it's completely under water.
Tomorrow I will also sit and make a list of goals... short term goals and long term goals. I'm feeling a bit stagnant and I think this may help to get me moving in one direction or another. I will include things that will honor PJ's life AND things that will improve my own life. I don't think it'll be an easy task but once it's done I will share it with all of you. :) Maybe some accountability is just what I need.
Thanks for reading.

Rest and healing

Recovering from surgery has turned out to be the easy part... recovering from this nasty cold (or whatever it is) has been the hard part. What I thought was just allergies has progressively gotten worse by the day. My throat is still raw and my left ear is completely blocked. I took a trip to Solantic this morning and found out I have pharyngitis, sinusitis, and fluid in my left ear. I started a round of Doxycycline for the sinus & ear infection. I sure hope it kicks in soon. All the congestion has me coughing which is quite uncomfortable after abdominal surgery. (sigh)
Feeling a bit down today... perhaps just because I'm physically wiped out but also due in part to a lost friendship. Or maybe one I only THOUGHT existed. My feelings are utterly hurt and I'm confused by the abandonment. I keep thinking up reasons why she has avoided me but have just decided that sometimes, as with my miscarriage, we don't get to know WHY. I am trying to simply leave it at that --- since I have no other clear choice. I tried asking but got no response. Maybe sometimes we see in people what we want to see and not what is truly there.
Anyway, resting today with plenty of fluids. The sooner my body is mended the sooner I can work on mending my spirits. Healing, physically and emotionally.... here I come.

Surgery was a success!

Surgery yesterday was a huge success. I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy and Dr. Brown, my RE, said my endometriosis was worse than he expected; stage 2. The great news is that he was able to remove all the endo during surgery. Here I am 24 hours post-op and feeling great. I'm sore but not cramping like usual. I'm also on some heavy pain meds but haven't had to take them as often as I thought. I'm resting this weekend but also able to get up and move around pretty easily. I'm so glad it's over and done with.

Oh, and something crazy... Dr. Brown found a staple left inside me from my appendectomy THREE YEARS AGO!!! I can't believe I've been walking around all this time with a staple left in my abdomen but he said no harm was done so that's good... and of course, he took it out. haha.

So, over all doing great and taking it easy.

Thanks to all my  readers and supporters!!!

Let's do it!

Mentally prepared for my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy tomorrow. I'm ready to get it done and hopefully be able to dump the pain meds.
Wish me luck!!!
I'll post as soon as I'm feeling up to it after recovery.

Charity
xoxoxo

Easter Weekend

Back home after a nice visit with my sister and her family for Easter weekend. I have three beautiful nephews that are my heart! I will try to attach photos of them to this post if I can. ** The first photo is one of my sister, Jessica and her first born, Kasen. He will be 7 in June. The second photo is one of my sister and me. The third is a photo of her youngest son, Tyler - 8 months old, and the final photo is one of her middle son, Christopher. He will be 5 in June. Those three boys are what keep me going. I miss them so much.
It is always wonderful to see them but as I said about my last visit to Birmingham, it can also be quite painful. This trip was planned far in advance and I fully expected, and was excited about, going to visit with a nice baby bump to show off. While the visit with my boys was lovely in many ways, it was also a painful reminder of my empty womb. I made the most of the trip and tried my best not to think about my miscarriage too much. I was relieved that nobody asked me about it. I am still unprepared for the insensitive comments that well meaning people can often make.
Also, the whole time I was there I had horrible allergies. There is a nice thick layer of pollen on EVERYTHING so I was sneezing and sniffling most of the time. Then, this morning I woke up with a sore throat! I'm worried that perhaps it is a cold and not allergies. :(  That would be bad since I have surgery scheduled for the day after tomorrow. I'm hoping I'll be feeling better by then so I won't have to reschedule. I am still on medical leave from work and really want to get this laparoscopy/hysteroscopy over and done with before I return.
I want to encourage my readers to click on the "FOLLOW" button on the left of your screen. I know I have quite a few readers and it would be wonderful to know how many I have. Please leave comments or email me if you would like to share your story or how my blog may have helped you. While writing my feelings has been extremely therapeutic for me, my greatest hope is to help others... so please, let me know who you are and publicly follow my blog. It would mean a lot to me to know that PJ touched the world in some important way. Her impact on my life is profound and to know that she has made even a small difference in someone else's life would make her short life even more meaningful. Feel free to share my blog with loved ones who are going through, or have been through miscarriage.
Thank you again for reading and please feel free to comment or email me your thoughts and feelings about miscarriage and how it has touched your life or the life of someone you care about.

Much love to all my readers!!
~ PJ's Mommy ~ 
XOXO

Fear

I feel like it's time to have PJ's memorial service but in all honesty my blood pressure goes up and I feel a great deal of anxiety each time I think about it. I have been thinking I would do it in September around the time she would have been born but I've been having this nagging feeling that I should do it sooner.  I still want to do something to honor her around the time of her due date but I think for her actual memorial I should do something sooner. Why does it fill me with so much anxiety? I feel afraid of it for some reason. I wish I could understand it.

She deserves it and I want it for her but the thought of actually doing it... planting the tree, playing a song, reading a poem or letter to her, scares the you-know-what out of me. Why?

I've been wanting to write a letter to her and I haven't done it yet. It feels too painful and there are no words to make up for the fact that she was robbed of a full life. It's like I don't know what to even say to her... other than "I'm sorry". I think about her all the time and every child I see makes me wonder what she would have looked like. I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant women and see constant reminders that my baby is gone. It makes me feel empty in every way.

I know that thus far, doing things to honor her life have been healing and have made me feel closer to her but I just wish I could get past my fear of having an actual memorial service for her. She deserves the very best and I'm afraid I'll fall short.

Grief is a lonely place

CD2 (Cycle day 2) has not been any better than CD1. The cramping is very intense and the bleeding has been quite heavy. I phoned my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to find out if this is normal but unfortunately he couldn't give me a simple answer. He simply wants me to come in tomorrow so we can talk about it and do a possible exam. That's disappointing since I have to pay a $50 copay just to walk in the door there. (ugh!)
I suppose I shouldn't really complain. They were kind enough not to charge me for the follow up visits I had after my miscarriage. (I had to go in every week for another beta to test my HCG levels)
My hope is that he can prescribe something for this pain because so far I've been taking 800mg of ibuprofen and that doesn't even come close to easing the pain.

My cycle, the cramping, the bleeding... all of it is just another reminder that I lost my sweet baby. I would have been 15 weeks pregnant today. I miss her so much and really miss being pregnant. Being in the limbo of not knowing if I should try again and if so when makes the journey more difficult. I think it's the uncertainty of it all that adds to my depression.

Also, I had a very close friend of mine that I met online through the Fertile Thoughts forum (an online support group for women TTC) who seems too busy to talk to me anymore. It really hurts because we used to talk every day (through email of course). I don't understand it and it makes me sad. She was such a huge support to me through my TTC journey and even when I was pregnant that I can't regret forming that friendship with her. I wouldn't change a thing... I just wish she could have been there for me when I needed her most. I'm still glad I had her friendship for the short time that I did though.

It's fun meeting new people and finding out how we can all support one another through the really tough times. That's why I started this blog. Yes, it helps me immensely to be able to write about my feelings and the pain but it also helps me to know that others out there are reading it. I like to feel that connection to other people because let's face it... grief can be a very lonely place.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and commenting. You really are a big part of my healing process.

Much love!
XOXO

Cycle Day 1

Day by day, things get a little easier. Depression is still plaguing me but the grief is beginning to lessen a little more each day. I find that the more things I do to honor PJ's life the more I'm able to feel love when I think about her rather than the horrible pain I have experienced as a result of losing her.

I met with my psychiatrist and he will be increasing the dosage of my antidepressant because I'm still lacking any motivation, my appetite is still not back to normal, and I am not finding pleasure in things that I used to find enjoyable. There is still a part of me that feels dead inside.

I think as time goes on I just find better ways to "fake it". I keep hoping that the "fake it til you make it" idea will work to my advantage. Not that I don't still cry and grieve in my own time but I'm trying to force myself to do more things socially.. spending time with people that I care about.

This morning I woke up to my first period since my miscarriage. It's been about 5 1/2 weeks so that seems about right as most people will have their first cycle between 4 and 6 weeks after a miscarriage. So today is cycle day 1 for me and even though I'm not ready to get back on the TTC wagon I will be tracking ovulation. I've read that a woman's menstrual cycle can permanently change after pregnancy and/or pregnancy loss. I just want to find out if my cycles are still "normal" and determine the length of my luteal phase. (the luteal phase of a woman's menstrual cycle is the time between ovulation and menses - should be 14 days but a shorter luteal phase can mean that a woman will menstruate to soon after fertilization making implantation of a pregnancy difficult) A luteal phase defect could mean that I have difficulty if/when I decide I am ready to begin trying again. Plus, it can take a few months for a woman's cycles to get back to "normal" so I just want to track things and make sure my body is behaving the way it should after all that's happened. This cycle so far has been heavier and more painful so I'm hoping it's just because it's my first cycle and not that things have changed in this way for good. ugh!

My laparoscopy is scheduled for April 9th so I'm hoping that will help alleviate some of the pain I'm having.

I'd love to hear from my readers. Share your stories if you feel comfortable to do so. I'd like to get to know the people who are following my journey so feel free to comment or private message me.

Thanks for reading and if you haven't already, please click on the "FOLLOW" link to the left of your screen so I can see the people out there who are such an important part of my journey.

Lots of love,
Charity

Five stars...

Last night, I settled in with a book that had been recommended by my grief counselor. The name of it is "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People", written by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. I couldn't put it down. Literally, I stayed up until 3:30am reading it cover to cover in one sitting. No, I'm not Jewish but welcomed answers to my questions from any theologian. This book detailed every question I've ever had about why bad things happen and why God lets them happen and why he doesn't intervene and why there is so much injustice and suffering in the world. The answer, while I don't want to give anything away, is found in the simple question: are we certain that God is all powerful? Think about it, if you take that out of the equation you can no longer place blame on God for something he didn't fix or stop... he couldn't. I know religion can be a highly controversial topic but I challenge everyone who's had their own questions about God's love or power or how God's love can be amidst such tragedy in the world, to read this book. I found it so much more than helpful... it was eye opening. I no longer feel angry with God for taking my baby away from me; because I don't believe he made it happen, nor do I believe he LET it happen.
I've added a link at the top of the page under "resources" so you can view the book and it's reviews.
It is a relief to me to feel like maybe this isn't God's fault and that he is merely there to offer love and support as I go through this most difficult journey. Grieving the death of your child AND dealing with the guilt of being angry with God often go hand in hand but this book was able to take the element of guilt out of that equation, which allows me to focus solely on grieving and healing after my loss.
Five stars...

Where is God?

Really missing PJ today. I woke up this morning, as I do every morning, with overwhelming sadness. I'm trying to do things that will improve my mood and increase my coping skills but the fact is, I'm still sad and I don't think this pain will ever really go away. Today I would have been 14 weeks pregnant.

My family and close friends have offered to help me in planning a memorial for PJ. It will be held in September, around the time she would have been born (she was due 9/22/10). We will plant a tree in her honor. I'm looking for some kind of garden stone or something to place near the tree. Since I don't own a home I'll be planting the tree at my Mom's house.

My sadness makes me so unmotivated. I have a lot of things to get done today but I don't quite feel like doing any of them. (sigh) I really hate that things turned out this way. Everything feels ruined.

I told my mom yesterday that I really have been questioning my faith. I feel like I don't know anymore whether or not God exists. I have a friend who told me about this couple she knows. This couple had a 1 year old daughter. Yesterday morning they woke up to find that she'd died in her sleep. Where is God?

Healing

This weekend I was able to find some healing in making a memory box for PJ.
It was nice to take the time to personalize the box just for her and felt like a great way to honor her short life.

I think for me healing has come in not trying to "get over it" or "forget" but in REMEMBERING her and doing special things for her. Since I didn't get to bury my daughter it has been helpful to do things to signify my love for her and to solidify that she DID exist and she was a REAL PERSON... not just a miscarriage. I enjoyed shopping for the supplies and trying to choose something I thought would be perfect for her and enjoyed the time I spent personalizing the box and placing things in the box that remind me of her. I put sympathy cards in there that I've received, sonogram pictures of her, hospital bands from my D & C - the day we physically said goodbye and that her body was no longer a part of my body, a bib I purchased for her and used to lay across my belly after my insemination for "good luck", and eventually when I feel ready I will write a letter to my daughter and place that in her memory box as well.

I miss her so much.

PJ, even though I never got to hold you in my arms I will cherish you in my heart forever.
Mommy loves you!!!

Decisions

Still waking up with overwhelming sadness. This morning I got up and moving right away which has helped some. The weather today is gorgeous and shouldn't be wasted. I keep thinking I should get outside today but then end up just sitting here looking out the window. I am still in disbelief at times. Seems like an awfully long time to feel this way.

I've tried to put some thought into whether or not I'll try to conceive again. It's difficult to think about because there can never be a replacement for PJ and the fear of going through this again is overwhelming... but then the thought of never having a living child to raise and love is too sad to imagine. So, with that being said, I'm sure eventually I'll gain the courage to try again... I just don't know when that will be.

I know that the likelihood of conceiving after the laparoscopy is higher so it would be wise for me to try again directly after that surgery but in all honesty I don't think I'm ready. I'm still grieving and trying to get my depression under control and I think the addition of hormones and fertility drugs could be a disaster. Not to mention if it doesn't work I think it would put me right over the edge. Then again... I'm not getting any younger and waiting may be something I come to regret as well. (sigh)

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Two steps back

Not sure why but today has been exceptionally difficult. I woke up crying this morning at 5am and have been crying off and on all day. I was so relieved to have made any improvement at all, it didn't even occur to me that there would be setbacks.

This really is the hardest thing I've been through. At times I think that I will one day be okay and then other times, like today, it all comes crashing down around me all over again.

I have decided that today I will search for a box for my memories of PJ. I've looked online and haven't found the perfect box yet. I've considered making my own but I'm really not all that artistic so I'm not sure if that would be a good idea. I guess it would be something that could keep me occupied while at the same time honoring the life of my daughter.

I miss her so much.

My journey to motherhood

Today would have been a celebration of my second trimester. Today I would have been 13 weeks pregnant. Sometimes I still can't believe this has happened. I wonder how big my belly would be by now. Emotionally today was difficult, not just for this reason but because I also had to have a follow up ultrasound to make sure my womb was indeed empty and healthy. This ultrasound took place in the same room in which I found out that my baby had died. I hate that room. It makes me feel sick to even walk through the door.

We also discussed surgery to remove my endometriosis, which is something we had already scheduled before I found out I was pregnant. I was scheduled for February 19th, ironically the same day I had my D & C. Now, we will move forward with the surgery to alleviate some of the daily pain I experience as a result of the endo. I have daily pelvic pain which is difficult to deal with. I take narcotic pain medication on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. I want to be able to get through the day without the need for pain meds. This surgery will accomplish that. I'll be having a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy; an outpatient procedure to remove endometrial implants outside of the uterus. (Endometrium is the lining of the inside of the uterus but with Endometriosis it grows on the outside of the uterus or on the tubes or ovaries or intestines)

Also, I forgot to mention that my last beta came back at 7. They like to see it go back down to zero but he said 7 was low enough that I didn't need to do any further blood work.

I was originally diagnosed with endometriosis back in 1996. I've had this surgery twice already; in 1996 and then again in 1999. It is not a permanent cure as endo will grow back over time. Since it has been more than 10 years since I last had the surgery I decided it may be time to have it again. See, because of the tremendous amount of pain I deal with I've received all kinds of "treatments" from pain meds, to spinal injections, to neuro-stimulator implants and physical therapy. In the end my doctors said there was nothing more they could do and that it was time to move forward with a hysterectomy. I've always wanted to be a mother and couldn't imagine this being the end. Unfortunately I'm not married or dating anyone and it seemed that having a baby wasn't an option. I began doing some research and found that many women choose motherhood through donor intrauterine insemination, even though they are single. I grappled with the idea for over a year before making a final decision to do this on my own; to become a Single Mom by Choice.

I went for a consultation with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). The RE told me I would likely become pregnant within 3 to 4 cycles of intrauterine insemination (IUI). I carefully went over every detail of the donor profiles before making a decision. Once I had chosen my donor I proceeded with the IUIs. After 3 failed IUIs I began to get very worried. My RE said it was time to move on to invitro fertilization (IVF). Of course many health insurance policies will not cover fertility treatments and even though the IUIs were expensive (nearly $1200 per cycle, including donor sperm) they were nothing in comparison to IVF treatments which would be closer to $12,000 per cycle. I was scared and confused and unsure why my body didn't seem to be working properly. I convinced my RE to do another HSG dye test to make sure my fallopian tubes were open and functional. (often women will become pregnant right after this test because the dye clears the tubes of any debris, unless they are completely blocked) My tubes were open and looked good. I did one more IUI after this dye test and fell pregnant.

This pregnancy, though carefully planned, was a big surprise to me. I went through the 2 week wait and began spotting and had a very very light period. I thought this meant it hadn't worked. I was crushed. This was my last IUI before having to somehow come up with the money for IVF. Ultimately, I decided to try a new RE for a second opinion. He suggested the surgery to remove the endo and that I could try a few more IUIs before moving to IVF. Well, the spotting didn't stop. For some strange reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and low and behold... it was POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. I was so excited... but my excitement quickly turned into fear when I thought of how many days I'd been bleeding; nearly 10 days. I called my new RE and told him the news and he got me in right away for a beta (blood test to check HCG levels). HCG is the hormone your body produces during pregnancy and is responsible for creating that second line on home pregnancy tests). He also started me on progesterone suppositories to stop the spotting. My beta came back lower than expected but my RE said it was okay after seeing the second beta which had more than doubled. I was so relieved.

He did a scan at 7 weeks pregnant and found what he told me was either a twin or a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) (fancy name for a blood clot). He said if it WAS SCH, that it was not something to worry about and that it often resolved itself and that it was very possible that this was a second placenta we were seeing. I was elated. I couldn't believe I was possibly carrying twins! He asked me to come back in 2 weeks to do another scan to see if we could get a clear answer on what he was seeing, twin or SCH. Either way I had at least one healthy baby growing inside me with a tiny beating heart. That was by far the best day of my life.

I went back 2 weeks later at 9 weeks pregnant and THAT was one of the WORST days of my life (tied with the day of my D & C - hard to say which day was the worst since they were both horrible). That's when I was told that my baby had died one week earlier at exactly 8 weeks of pregnancy. I couldn't believe it... I still can't believe it.

So, that is how I became pregnant for the first time. It was the happiest and most sad experience of my life. I still miss her and cry for her every day, though the crying is becoming less and less.

I want to thank those of you that are reading my blog and want to invite you to "follow" my blog by clicking the "follow" button on the left of your screen. I also want to encourage you to leave comments or message me. Tell me your stories, tell me what helped you to get through a similar situation.

Much love to you all.

Crying a little less...

I'm back from my visit with my sister and nephews and pleased to say the time spent with family did lift my spirits. There were parts of the visit that were difficult but all in all it went very well. I hadn't seen my nephews in quite a while so I was missing them terribly. It's difficult to be unhappy when I'm with them.
I'm still missing PJ all day every day but crying a little less. Some days are better than others, which is a good thing because only a few days ago I said there was no improvement at all. I think it's possible that the antidepressants are doing their job but I believe it has much more to do with me seeing my favorite little boys in the whole world.
Tomorrow is one month to the day since I found out that I'd lost my baby. It's extremely difficult to think about because it brings up some very raw emotions when I do. I have been having my follow up appointments at the same doctor's office so each time I have to go there I feel like I come close to panic when I enter the building. My heart races and I feel sick to my stomach. My memory of that day is still quite fresh. I actually have to go there Wednesday for a surgery consult. I have endometriosis and need laparoscopic surgery to have the endo removed to alleviate daily pain. I will post more on endometriosis and how it relates to my journey to pregnancy soon.
Also, I will post pictures tomorrow of my beautiful nephews.

Thanks for reading...
Charity

It's a sham

I'm enjoying the precious time I've been given with my three nephews (8 months, 4 years, and 6 years old). It's been 8 months since I've seen my boys so it was long overdue. Still, the time here with them has been bittersweet. There are so many reminders of what's missing in my life. I've done alright considering, but have still had random crying spells throughout the day. Little things like shopping for baby food and diapers for my nephew and seeing all the cute baby clothes brings forth the painful truth that those won't be things I'll be shopping for, as I had hoped. I miss my sweet baby and even with the morning sickness and extreme fatigue... I truly miss being pregnant. Progesterone suppositories and all. Funny how when you have to work so hard to get pregnant you actually long for all those things that most women complain about.
My sister is taking good care of me, though. I haven't styled my hair or put on make up in quite a while... my mood has said, "what's the point"? So, instead of letting me go out in public looking like a hobo, as I've done everyday since I lost PJ, she sat me down in the bathroom and styled my hair and put make up on my face. It really was sweet of her. I looked better than I've looked in nearly a month... even though I'm still a hobo on the inside.
I'm hoping tomorrow won't be too painful. We are attending a 3 year old's birthday party tomorrow and I'll be faced with even more painful reminders my empty womb. Dr. Brown has given me a prescription for xanex and I'm taking full advantage of them this weekend so I can feel less and act more appropriately for my family. So far it's worked pretty well. I think I've only cried 4 times today.
Time now to turn in... the baby gets up early so it's not really a possibility to sleep in. Goodnight for now and I'll update again tomorrow, time permitting.

Mommy loves you PJ!

~ Charity

Awareness

Today I went to Barnes & Noble to find some books on coping with pregnancy loss. I was shocked to see that they only had ONE book! I know there are a few on Amazon and I'll probably just order my books from there but I was trying to avoid having to wait on and pay for shipping.
Amazing.
I asked one of the associates if she could help me and she directed me to the one book they had in the self help section. I asked her if perhaps there were more books in the section they kept books on pregnancy or maybe even grief and loss. She became very annoyed with me and said this was the only one. I went to Books-A-Million a few days ago and they only had one book as well and it was for "Pregnancy after loss". She at least offered to order a book for me. The woman today was completely irritated with me for even suggesting there might be another place to look. I suppose it never occurred to her that I was asking because I had in fact lost my little baby. Why is compassion so scarce?
I haven't told you this yet but I'm working on a masters degree in social work. I am a very compassionate person and I guess it still surprises me that there are so few of us out there. Aren't we all here in this world together? Can we not help each other through? What could I expect though, from a woman who is probably working for minimum wage, over worked and underpaid. Another lesson in patience with people who don't understand.
I'll be seeing my sister and nephews this weekend. I'm hoping this will lift my spirits.
Tomorrow I go back to my RE (for those of you not in the TTC - Trying To Conceive - community, RE stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist) Tomorrow will hopefully be my last beta to check my pregnancy levels. One week after my D & C my level was at 250 then last week it was down to 24 so I would imagine it will be down to zero by now. Of course I still haven't gotten a period yet but I hear that can take anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks after pregnancy loss. Some sources say you must have 20 consecutive days with no bleeding before any bleeding can be considered a real period. Anything sooner than 20 days is simply left over from the miscarriage.
I'm missing PJ so much each day. I sometimes still can't believe I'm actually waiting for my PERIOD! I still can't believe she's gone. It's not that it hasn't really hit me because it has, like a tone of bricks, but every once in a while I feel like this just can't be real. My tummy is back down to normal size, not that it was all that big but I was already unable to wear my normal pants without keeping them unzipped and wearing the belly band. No more... everything is getting back to normal, physically. Too normal.
Emotionally... I'll never be back to normal. Maybe a different version of normal but nothing will ever be the same.

I plan to write a post explaining my TTC journey eventually.

~ Charity

It still hurts

Today's appointment with my therapist went well. I also got to speak with someone in HR at my job. She reassured me that I didn't need to worry about my job; I simply need to focus on healing. That definitely helps.

I also found the most beautiful frame for my ultrasound picture. I'm still looking to find a pretty box in which to store all of my pictures and memories of my pregnancy.

It still hurts though...

Each day I look at my naked body in the mirror and wonder how things might be different if I hadn't lost PJ. I imagine my belly swollen with the truest of love, swollen with life and the growth of my beautiful child. How big would I be now, I wonder to myself? As I watch women in my neighborhood walking with their strollers I imagine again, as I’ve imagined hundreds of times, how I would have walked with MY stroller, with MY baby. I often think about her eyes and her hair. Would she have looked like me? Though I’ve never seen her smile I imagine how it would have brightened even my darkest day. What cute and funny things would she have said? What mark would she have left on this world? Would it have even come close to the mark she’s left on my heart?

I'm still a Mom

Somehow I keep expecting to wake up one morning and feel better but so far I have felt no improvement. It's very discouraging and makes me sometimes feel like I'm crazy.

I'm still struggling with people in my life who have been less than understanding. It's difficult.
To say that losing a baby is painful doesn't really give an accurate description of what it feels like. It's beyond painful... and what happens is that as a mother (and we ARE still her mothers, even though we don't have our precious babies in our arms to prove it) your pain may be more intense and last longer than others, such as mine has. The difficult thing is that in the beginning I had all these people in my life who were so compassionate and understanding about my loss and grief but after a couple of weeks it seems that most people forget about it (and expect that I have done the same). Of course, life goes on somehow but in a completely different way than I pictured it, which causes new pain to surface every time I am faced with those "differences".
My support network is dwindling as time continues to pass. It almost seems to feel worse now than it did in the very beginning. I'm sure shock is partly to blame but also the changing dynamics of my support system and the passage of time that reminds me that life goes on whether I like it or not.

I'm still waiting patiently for the antidepressants to begin their important work... and I'm back to see the counselor tomorrow. I'm hoping for a productive session.

More tomorrow...

~ Charity

Learning to trust myself...

Grieving the loss of a baby is such a deeply private experience. It's not something that can be explained... only lived. I find myself looking to others for validation and acceptance. I've learned that pregnancy loss is also an extremely lonely process and that I can look to nobody but myself for how I should feel. A friend recently told me that when remove all the "shoulds" in this process I would finally begin to heal. That is difficult to say the least... I'm a people pleaser by nature and want to feel like what I'm experiencing and the way I'm handling it is "normal". What I'm discovering is that there is no "normal" in grieving the loss of your child. Family and friends can offer suggestions on what might help me to move forward but ultimately healing will happen in my own time, which is not something I can even define.
My goal this week is to begin to put one foot in front of the other... waking up in the morning instead of staying in bed all day, taking a shower and getting dressed. Mom has suggested I get in the car and go somewhere, perhaps the beach or the mall and take a walk, something. I'm still on a leave of absence from work and don't feel I'm equipped to get through the workday at this point. I've really beat myself up for being out of work but I'm realizing that all the time I spend beating myself up is time NOT spent grieving the loss of my sweet little baby, which means it's time not spent IN the healing process... only analyzing the healing process. In a sense I've stunted my own healing growth by all the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". As I said in my first post... this is a "learn as I go" experience since I've never been through this before.
Learning to trust myself means allowing myself to grieve without judgment and without feeling guilty; trusting that I'm handling this in the best way that I can and that there is no "wrong" way to handle the death of my baby.
I began seeing a new therapist today, as the first one didn't prove to be at all helpful. He was really quite good and I think our sessions will be productive over time. He was extremely sensitive to my feelings of grief and depression. He acknowledged that this is a profound loss and that my absence from work and time spent grieving and crying and thinking things over and over are completely appropriate. He encouraged me to write about my feelings so I think this blog will be very helpful in the long run and my hope is that it may help someone else along the way.
As I sit here and type I'm feeling tempted to bring this post to a close because it is getting so long but I still have more to say... so I will continue to write.
I thought I might list some things that have been helpful for me in the last couple of weeks.
~ allowing myself to be alone in the beginning and now as more time is passing, allowing (and often forcing myself) to be around other people... I usually don't feel like it but often I'm glad I did spend that time with someone else.
~ allowing myself to distance myself from people who have made insensitive comments about my loss... being around or talking to people who love me and truly care about what I'm going through.
~ reminding myself that before this happened I myself couldn't understand the impact of miscarriage so I can't expect other people to understand unless they've been through it - I've had to learn to be patient with people around me who think I should be able to move on more quickly
~ talking to other women who have been through the loss of a baby --- this one I cannot stress enough! This has been one of the most helpful things for me to do. Since this is such a lonely process it helps to know that even though you may feel alone, you are not.
~ getting help from a counselor - the first one I went to wasn't helpful but I didn't give up until I found one that I knew I could connect with.
~ writing about my loss and the feelings associated with all that it entails
~ reading other women's pregnancy loss stories
~ talking with a friend who has been through the loss of a baby - she understands what I'm going through
~ purchasing a "memorial necklace" in honor of my baby and to honor my grief
~ I have a history of depression so I have begun taking my antidepressants again... I haven't noticed a difference yet but I'm hoping this will also be helpful

My mom has been my biggest supporter through my grief. Even though she herself has never experienced miscarriage, she has educated herself on what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say. (I may do a post on what not to say another time because I feel it is so important)
She has been a great sounding board as well. She's okay to sit with me in silence and just let me cry or she's okay to sit and talk with me or just listen to me talk. If you have someone in your life you can talk to, use that person. Talking about your baby can be helpful by giving a voice to your pain.

In the end... I think the most important thing we can do as we suffer the loss of our children is to be gentle with ourselves. I'm still learning how to do this but I'm working at it everyday.

Mommy misses and loves you PJ!

Charity

D & C

This post is to share with you information about my D & C. The experience and feelings associated with the procedure. After my doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was no longer viable he recommended a D & C because he said it could take weeks to miscarry and he didn't want to put me through that. I took his word for it; believing it would be too painful emotionally to deal with losing my baby at home. The surgery itself was not major and I went home the same day, 7 hours later. I had bleeding and cramping for nearly two weeks after. In all honesty I can say with deep regret and shame that the thought of seeing my lifeless baby frightened me. Given the opportunity to go back and do things over, I would have birthed my baby at home with dignity. I feel that I robbed my baby of the respect and reverence she so deserved. I will forever bear the burden of remorse. I gave up the opportunity to see and hold my baby, see her face, her small fragile body, her tiny fingers and toes. Instead I only have the memory of my last sonogram; a black and white fuzzy image of my would-be first born. I didn't get to bury my child. Instead she was regarded as "products of conception" or "tissue" and she was thrown away.

So, not only do I have to grieve the loss of my child but I have to try to forgive myself for choosing a D & C. Oh how I wish I could go back and change it. I'm so sorry.

I do want to say that the decision to naturally birth your baby at home or to have a D & C is a highly personal and private decision. There really isn't any right way to do it... only what feels right to you and of course what your doctor recommends because there are risks associated with either option. I simply urge you to follow your instincts and do what feels right for you.

If you have any questions about D & C or miscarriage, please feel free to comment or message me.
Until next time...

Charity

Welcome

Welcome to my blog! I've found that writing can be therapeutic so I decided that a blog might provide a great outlet to begin the healing process for myself in addition to providing support to other women who've experienced miscarriage by sharing my story.

“It doesn’t look good. I’m sorry, I think it died”… In the brief moment it took for my doctor to utter those awful words, my life changed forever. My heart sank, my face felt hot, I thought I would vomit. This couldn’t be right. I wanted desperately for him to be wrong. Check again! I thought to myself. I wanted to wake up from what I was certain was just a terrifying nightmare. How? How could my baby be dead? I’m not bleeding; I’m not in pain!! And more importantly, WHY??? I thought that day would be a day of joy and excitement. I was told I might be carrying twins. How can this be? Sometimes I still don’t believe it.

My mom, on this most painful day, her birthday, leaned down and put her arms around me as I still lay on the table with the paper sheet draped across my lap, stunned and sobbing. She cried with me. Only two weeks before, I experienced what could only be described as the most beautiful day of my life; the day I saw my baby’s heart flickering on the screen and heard the beautiful whooshing sound it made. I was in awe; amazed at how all your life you hear that a baby is such a miracle but realizing that you never really knew it until you saw that tiny heart beating and realized it was beating in you.

Now... realizing that my baby’s tiny heart just stopped, without my consent, without my knowledge; I felt like the heart in my own chest would surely stop beating but it didn’t; it hasn’t. It’s still beating, against my will, just as this earth is still turning and people are still living and laughing. How did I feel joy before that beautiful day? How would I ever feel joy again?
My baby has tiny elbows and eyelids and fingers and toes but doesn’t have a beating heart anymore. What else in this world could ever matter again?

I was 9 weeks pregnant and my baby was measured at only at 8 weeks gestation meaning the baby had died a week earlier. They called it a "missed miscarriage",meaning that my baby had already died but my body was not recognizing that the pregnancy was not progressing so my placenta continued to grow and produce hormones continuing to give me some morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms. My uterus was continuing growth as well, as if this were a healthy pregnancy. I'd had no bleeding prior to this horrible news so I was in complete shock. I was told I would need a D & C to remove the "products of conception"... MY BABY. I'll explain the D & C further in another post.

I wish now that I'd begun this blog earlier on while I was trying to conceive (TTC) because my story is long and complicated and so much has happened prior to my pregnancy loss. The short version (for now) is that I have been trying to conceive since July 2009 through donor intrauterine insemination (IUI) I achieved pregnancy on my fourth IUI and was absolutely in love from day one... especially the day I got to see my little beaner's heartbeat at 7 weeks. Since I'd been trying for so long and worked so hard to achieve this pregnancy the loss of my baby was all the more painful and devastating... not just for myself but for my family members as well. We were all crushed by this loss and I especially am having a very difficult time coping.

My intention is to share my healing process with you (as I go through it... because I am not yet healed) - to tell you what is working for me and what is not working for me. This will be a "learn as I blog" type of thing since I'm new to blogging and desperate to find my way through this dark time in my life. At the top of my page I've added three links to excellent resources on pregnancy loss. One: pregnancy loss info - is INVALUABLE... to my knowledge, this is the BEST website you could find. This sight has taught me a lot about compassion and patience with MYSELF as I struggle through the grieving process and it is rich with information on what to expect as you navigate the dark valley of miscarriage. There are places on the site where other women share their stories which has helped me to learn that I am not alone. The other link I added is one to the pregnancy loss section of the Fertile Thoughts Forum. Fertile Thoughts (FT)is a forum that was invaluable to me during the TTC part of my journey. Lots of wonderful and supportive women. We call it a sisterhood because we all have such a strong bond. The third link at the top of my page is a youtube link to a miscarriage vlog that I found extremely helpful. This was created by a women who went through a missed miscarriage herself only a few weeks further into her pregnancy than I was in mine.

The link to the Pregnancy Loss Info website, there at the top of my page, has several suggestions on how you can honor your baby's life. I have chosen several ways to honor the loss of my baby. #1 I named her (I never got a confirmation on the sex of my baby but deeply feel it was a girl so I have given her a girl's name. Pamela Joelene. I would have called her PJ. The whole time I was pregnant my mother had a nickname for her and still to this day calls her "Sweet Pea". #2 I purchased a necklace in her honor. It's a tear drop shape (which seemed fitting) and I will try to post the photo on here if I can.

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That's all for now... more tomorrow.

Charity
xoxo