Still feeling depressed. I know my readers must be tired of reading those words... I sure am tired of typing them! I'm trying to do things to improve my mood. I actually exercised today! It wasn't much but it was something. I went for a two mile bike ride on my mom's exercise bike.
I really want to make this work and giving up just can't be an option. So, with that I am announcing my plan to begin trying to conceive - again.
This won't be something I'll start over night because it can take a few months for my cycles to get back to normal. But... after having the laparoscopy and getting all the endometriosis cleaned out of my body I'm like new again (reproductively anyway). I now know I CAN get pregnant and at this moment I do not have endometriosis so it is a great time to begin thinking about trying again. Believe me when I say I'm still scared. I'm REALLY scared. But... more scary than this is the thought of never having a child to raise.
I think my main fear is that my depression doesn't seem to be subsiding and I don't have time for that! I need to get back to "normal", whatever that is, so I can be ready to begin TTC again. I don't want to begin again while I'm still depressed; especially since the fertility drugs/hormones make me crazy enough. ugh!
I want to feel better and I'm working hard to accomplish that. Something that I have to remind myself is that there are things I need to do whether I FEEL like it or not. I think my problem is that I keep waiting to feel MOTIVATED to do things and the reality is I need to "fake it till I make it".
AF is definitely on her way... I've been cramping quite a bit - which has been a disappointment since I've had my lap surgery and I was hoping it would ease the pain I normally have. (sigh)
I want to be a mother badly enough that I will force myself to do things that I don't FEEL like doing.... AND the purpose of this blog is to inspire people, not bring them down so I will work on the negativity I post here. I think it's what PJ would want me to do.
My hope is that I can get my depression under control by mid summer. I'd like to begin TTC again in July or perhaps August. I believe PJ is going to help to choose a brother or sister for herself and a precious bundle for mommy.
Thanks for reading and thanks for all the encouragement I receive from my readers!
~ Charity
Mommy loves you so much, PJ!!
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Charity,
ReplyDeleteThis is your blog and you can do what you want to with it! I am happy to hear that you will begin TTC again soon; I wish you the best of luck! You have every right to be scared and that is part of the process--remember you have to let yourself feel these feelings...that is what they are for...to be felt!
I pray that depression will release its grip on you and that you soon start to feel more like yourself. I continue to enjoy your blog and I think about you daily. Sending lots of hugs and positive energy your way!
Nicole
P.S. I agree with you that PJ is going to pick a very special sibling for herself and an extra special bundle for you.
Thank you, Nicole. I always look forward to your comments. I love to hear from you. I'd love to know more about YOU. Please feel free to email me any time if you'd like to chat outside of the blog forum. My email address is charityparsons@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the well wishes, prayers, positive energy, and of course the HUGS! It means so much to me. I hope to hear from you again soon.
Take care,
Charity