CD1

Well... today it begins again. Cycle day 1. AF is here in full force and she brought her buddy "cramps" with her. My cycle this time was 32 days. Before my pregnancy I had a 28 day cycle. Plus I O'd on cd16 and usually it's cd14. Maybe things are still getting back to normal or maybe my cycle has changed for good. I hear pregnancy can do that.

Saturday we had a slab leak in the house and my room got completely flooded!! It has been such a mess. I've stayed with my mom and step-dad this week because we had to have the water shut off. I'm back home today (still no water) but the plumbers are doing their thing so I'm happy. Re-plumbing the whole house!! They say they'll be done by this evening. Who knew they could re-plumb in one day? I thought it would take a week or so. I'm very happy and luckily no "plumber's crack" yet. LOL!! Ready to be back home and get things cleaned up here. When the flood occurred it was under the slab which meant that all the dirt from the ground was coming in too. You wouldn't believe the amount of sandy "mud" was in my room! All the furniture is moved around and I'll be glad when we can clean up and get it back to normal.

Depression is still here but not so bad this morning. I'm feeling okay and I'm thinking today is going to be a good day.

Okay... bye for now.

PJ's Momma

Fake it to make it... to new beginnings!!

Still feeling depressed. I know my readers must be tired of reading those words... I sure am tired of typing them! I'm trying to do things to improve my mood. I actually exercised today! It wasn't much but it was something. I went for a two mile bike ride on my mom's exercise bike.
I really want to make this work and giving up just can't be an option. So, with that I am announcing my plan to begin trying to conceive - again.
This won't be something I'll start over night because it can take a few months for my cycles to get back to normal. But... after having the laparoscopy and getting all the endometriosis cleaned out of my body I'm like new again (reproductively anyway). I now know I CAN get pregnant and at this moment I do not have endometriosis so it is a great time to begin thinking about trying again. Believe me when I say I'm still scared. I'm REALLY scared. But... more scary than this is the thought of never having a child to raise.
I think my main fear is that my depression doesn't seem to be subsiding and I don't have time for that! I need to get back to "normal", whatever that is, so I can be ready to begin TTC again. I don't want to begin again while I'm still depressed; especially since the fertility drugs/hormones make me crazy enough. ugh!
I want to feel better and I'm working hard to accomplish that. Something that I have to remind myself is that there are things I need to do whether I FEEL like it or not. I think my problem is that I keep waiting to feel MOTIVATED to do things and the reality is I need to "fake it till I make it".
AF is definitely on her way... I've been cramping quite a bit - which has been a disappointment since I've had my lap surgery and I was hoping it would ease the pain I normally have. (sigh)
I want to be a mother badly enough that I will force myself to do things that I don't FEEL like doing.... AND the purpose of this blog is to inspire people, not bring them down so I will work on the negativity I post here. I think it's what PJ would want me to do.

My hope is that I can get my depression under control by mid summer. I'd like to begin TTC again in July or perhaps August. I believe PJ is going to help to choose a brother or sister for herself and a precious bundle for mommy.
Thanks for reading and thanks for all the encouragement I receive from my readers!

~ Charity

Mommy loves you so much, PJ!!

Just for today...

I would like to share with you something that one of my readers shared with me. I found it inspiring and expressive of the way I often feel. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have.

A special thank you to June, for sharing these touching words with all of us!!

_____________________________________
Just for Today - For Bereaved Parents

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just the death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared while inside my womb.

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend that knew of my child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would of done it.

Just for today I will honor my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for even a short while.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting my child by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

Help

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been at a loss for words. My depression is here in full force and I'm not sure what to do with it. All I want to do is sleep and cry. There's not much in my life that seems meaningful. I'm trying each day to put on my positive attitude but it never lasts long. It doesn't feel authentic. What feels real is that my life is a mess and I don't have the motivation to clean it up. It seemed as though things were looking up and I was beginning to have hope again but where has it gone? I just feel so tired... tired of feeling sad, tired of feeling hopeless, tired of being sick, tired of my job, tired of school, tired of everything.

I'll be following up with my psychiatrist soon and I'm thinking maybe a change of medication would be a good plan. I hate living like this and feeling like this. It makes me disgusted with myself. I wish I could have a new life... a better one. Meanwhile there are people in the world with much worse existences than mine and all I can do is complain. I need help.

Goals

Short term goals
- go for a 10 minute walk every day
- quit smoking (after my m/c I became so depressed I picked up the cigarettes again)
- get a new job (I am miserable at my current job and life is too short to spend that much time doing something that makes me so unhappy)
- get back into school (beginning the summer semester in May)
- begin meditation practices every day
- call to inquire about acupuncture (I've heard wonderful things about how stress relieving it can be)
- begin dating again

Long term goals
- finish my masters degree in social work
- move into the apartment attached to mom's house to save money
- plan PJ's memorial service (write a letter to PJ and plant a tree in her honor)
- lose weight (40 pounds)

I'm sure I'll think of more later and I'll add to these lists but this is enough to get me started.

Charity
XOXO

Ear Infection

Still haven't managed my list of short term and long term goals. I've been feeling quite under the weather and I now know why! I finally got in to see my regular doctor and found out that I have a severe ear infection. My ear has been blocked for over a week now and it hurts quite a bit. Luckily, she has started me on new antibiotics (the stuff I got from the urgent care clinic was no good). So I'll be taking those for the next 10 days along with mucinex, ear drops for the pain, and flonase for my sinus congestion. My goodness!! Hopefully these things will do the trick because if it's not better in one week I'll have to go on to an ENT (ear/nose/throat doctor) to have a small slit made in the ear drum so they can drain the eustachian tube. I know... GROSS! But, that's what I'm dealing with here. Hopefully we won't have to go that route because it sounds awfully painful! So rest, plenty of fluids, meds, and humidifier around the clock... that's what's on the agenda for me. Sounds like fun, eh?

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to write and post my list of goals.
Missing PJ today, as always. Mommy loves you!

~ Charity

Remembering PJ

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Still sick...

Still feeling pretty yucky with this sinus and ear infection. If I still have no improvement by tomorrow I will be contacting my regular doctor for a follow up appointment. Not that the Solantic doctor wasn't good but I would be more comfortable if my regular doc could take a look in my ear and tell me what's going on. It's hurting a bit now and tomorrow will be day three on the antibiotics. I was hoping to have at least a tiny improvement by now but nothing yet. Sometimes it actually seems to be getting worse. ugh! My left ear just feels like it's completely under water.
Tomorrow I will also sit and make a list of goals... short term goals and long term goals. I'm feeling a bit stagnant and I think this may help to get me moving in one direction or another. I will include things that will honor PJ's life AND things that will improve my own life. I don't think it'll be an easy task but once it's done I will share it with all of you. :) Maybe some accountability is just what I need.
Thanks for reading.

Rest and healing

Recovering from surgery has turned out to be the easy part... recovering from this nasty cold (or whatever it is) has been the hard part. What I thought was just allergies has progressively gotten worse by the day. My throat is still raw and my left ear is completely blocked. I took a trip to Solantic this morning and found out I have pharyngitis, sinusitis, and fluid in my left ear. I started a round of Doxycycline for the sinus & ear infection. I sure hope it kicks in soon. All the congestion has me coughing which is quite uncomfortable after abdominal surgery. (sigh)
Feeling a bit down today... perhaps just because I'm physically wiped out but also due in part to a lost friendship. Or maybe one I only THOUGHT existed. My feelings are utterly hurt and I'm confused by the abandonment. I keep thinking up reasons why she has avoided me but have just decided that sometimes, as with my miscarriage, we don't get to know WHY. I am trying to simply leave it at that --- since I have no other clear choice. I tried asking but got no response. Maybe sometimes we see in people what we want to see and not what is truly there.
Anyway, resting today with plenty of fluids. The sooner my body is mended the sooner I can work on mending my spirits. Healing, physically and emotionally.... here I come.

Surgery was a success!

Surgery yesterday was a huge success. I had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy and Dr. Brown, my RE, said my endometriosis was worse than he expected; stage 2. The great news is that he was able to remove all the endo during surgery. Here I am 24 hours post-op and feeling great. I'm sore but not cramping like usual. I'm also on some heavy pain meds but haven't had to take them as often as I thought. I'm resting this weekend but also able to get up and move around pretty easily. I'm so glad it's over and done with.

Oh, and something crazy... Dr. Brown found a staple left inside me from my appendectomy THREE YEARS AGO!!! I can't believe I've been walking around all this time with a staple left in my abdomen but he said no harm was done so that's good... and of course, he took it out. haha.

So, over all doing great and taking it easy.

Thanks to all my  readers and supporters!!!

Let's do it!

Mentally prepared for my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy tomorrow. I'm ready to get it done and hopefully be able to dump the pain meds.
Wish me luck!!!
I'll post as soon as I'm feeling up to it after recovery.

Charity
xoxoxo

Easter Weekend

Back home after a nice visit with my sister and her family for Easter weekend. I have three beautiful nephews that are my heart! I will try to attach photos of them to this post if I can. ** The first photo is one of my sister, Jessica and her first born, Kasen. He will be 7 in June. The second photo is one of my sister and me. The third is a photo of her youngest son, Tyler - 8 months old, and the final photo is one of her middle son, Christopher. He will be 5 in June. Those three boys are what keep me going. I miss them so much.
It is always wonderful to see them but as I said about my last visit to Birmingham, it can also be quite painful. This trip was planned far in advance and I fully expected, and was excited about, going to visit with a nice baby bump to show off. While the visit with my boys was lovely in many ways, it was also a painful reminder of my empty womb. I made the most of the trip and tried my best not to think about my miscarriage too much. I was relieved that nobody asked me about it. I am still unprepared for the insensitive comments that well meaning people can often make.
Also, the whole time I was there I had horrible allergies. There is a nice thick layer of pollen on EVERYTHING so I was sneezing and sniffling most of the time. Then, this morning I woke up with a sore throat! I'm worried that perhaps it is a cold and not allergies. :(  That would be bad since I have surgery scheduled for the day after tomorrow. I'm hoping I'll be feeling better by then so I won't have to reschedule. I am still on medical leave from work and really want to get this laparoscopy/hysteroscopy over and done with before I return.
I want to encourage my readers to click on the "FOLLOW" button on the left of your screen. I know I have quite a few readers and it would be wonderful to know how many I have. Please leave comments or email me if you would like to share your story or how my blog may have helped you. While writing my feelings has been extremely therapeutic for me, my greatest hope is to help others... so please, let me know who you are and publicly follow my blog. It would mean a lot to me to know that PJ touched the world in some important way. Her impact on my life is profound and to know that she has made even a small difference in someone else's life would make her short life even more meaningful. Feel free to share my blog with loved ones who are going through, or have been through miscarriage.
Thank you again for reading and please feel free to comment or email me your thoughts and feelings about miscarriage and how it has touched your life or the life of someone you care about.

Much love to all my readers!!
~ PJ's Mommy ~ 
XOXO

Fear

I feel like it's time to have PJ's memorial service but in all honesty my blood pressure goes up and I feel a great deal of anxiety each time I think about it. I have been thinking I would do it in September around the time she would have been born but I've been having this nagging feeling that I should do it sooner.  I still want to do something to honor her around the time of her due date but I think for her actual memorial I should do something sooner. Why does it fill me with so much anxiety? I feel afraid of it for some reason. I wish I could understand it.

She deserves it and I want it for her but the thought of actually doing it... planting the tree, playing a song, reading a poem or letter to her, scares the you-know-what out of me. Why?

I've been wanting to write a letter to her and I haven't done it yet. It feels too painful and there are no words to make up for the fact that she was robbed of a full life. It's like I don't know what to even say to her... other than "I'm sorry". I think about her all the time and every child I see makes me wonder what she would have looked like. I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant women and see constant reminders that my baby is gone. It makes me feel empty in every way.

I know that thus far, doing things to honor her life have been healing and have made me feel closer to her but I just wish I could get past my fear of having an actual memorial service for her. She deserves the very best and I'm afraid I'll fall short.