A letter to my daughter

Hello my darling daughter. I've wanted to write this letter to you for a long time now. It's difficult to find the words to express my love for you and my feelings about losing you.

The day I found out that you had come into my life was one of the happiest days of my life. I kept pinching myself because I thought to myself, surely I am dreaming!! I wasn't. You were here and you were real. The first person I told about you was Nanna. She was so excited and also in disbelief! She bought Mommy a dozen pink roses because she just knew she was getting a new granddaughter. Nanna loves and misses you so much. She gave me a Mother's Day card, which means the world to me. It's important for people to know that I'm still your Mom.

I will never forget the day I saw your tiny heart beating inside me. It was the single most beautiful day of my life.

Only 2 weeks later I experienced the worst day of my life; the day I found out that you had left us in spirit. My heart was shattered that I'd lost my precious baby girl. My heart is still broken over losing you but I try to remind myself that the only reason I hurt so much is because I had the privilege of loving you so deeply.
You will always be a part of my life even though you are not here with me on this earth. I feel you all around me; in the cool breeze on my skin, in the fragrant flowers of spring, in the rain on my shoulders and the sun shining on my face.
I wish you could be here to experience all the love we have for you.

Your Nanna supported me, and continues to support me, through the grieving process and through the growth process of learning acceptance. She is a remarkable human being and would have showered you with so many hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love.
Nanna loves you!!

Pops experienced heartbreak when I lost you as well. He was so excited about having a new grand baby. Pops is a man with integrity and love, childlike playfulness and generosity. He is a man that chose to become Mommy's daddy even though he didn't have to. He always treated me as his own.
Pops loves you!!

Your Uncle AJ (or as your cousins call him "Uncle J") is a funny, tender, loving, sentimental and VERY talented young man. He has dreamed of meeting you even before you were conceived. He would have been an overflowing source of love and affection.
Uncle J loves you!!

Your Aunt Jessica was beyond thrilled when I told her I was pregnant with you. She couldn't wait to meet you and for you and her three boys (your cousins) to play together. She is a very loving and fun aunt and you would have adored her as much as I do. She would have let you do things when Mommy said, "no". She's a beautiful person and cried when I told her you were gone. She misses you.
Aunt Jessica loves you!!

Kasen, Christopher and Tyler are your cousins. The were excited to find out that their Aunt Charity was pregnant with a sweet little baby. The couldn't wait to meet you and would ask about you each time I spoke to them on the phone. They were so sad to hear that you'd left us in spirit and they made cards for Mommy to cheer me up. Those boys are my heart and I know even though we live far apart you would have been close with them.
Kasen, Christopher and Tyler love you!!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and you're not here, growing inside me. I miss you so much it hurts. Mommy just wants you to know that even though I've been so sad, none of this is your fault. My love for you is so strong that it's beginning to overshadow the pain. I will never forget you. My family, no matter how large it should grow, will always be one family member short. You are my daughter and you always will be. I will always love you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. I wonder how big you would be now and I often think about what you might have looked like. Maybe you would have looked like Mommy or your donor dad? Maybe you would have looked like your Uncle J or your Aunt Jessica or your Nanna? I know you would have been beautiful.

Though the pain still runs deep, I hold the utmost love and gratitude for you.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for choosing me to be your Mommy.

I love you PJ!!!

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy