I feel like it's time to have PJ's memorial service but in all honesty my blood pressure goes up and I feel a great deal of anxiety each time I think about it. I have been thinking I would do it in September around the time she would have been born but I've been having this nagging feeling that I should do it sooner. I still want to do something to honor her around the time of her due date but I think for her actual memorial I should do something sooner. Why does it fill me with so much anxiety? I feel afraid of it for some reason. I wish I could understand it.
She deserves it and I want it for her but the thought of actually doing it... planting the tree, playing a song, reading a poem or letter to her, scares the you-know-what out of me. Why?
I've been wanting to write a letter to her and I haven't done it yet. It feels too painful and there are no words to make up for the fact that she was robbed of a full life. It's like I don't know what to even say to her... other than "I'm sorry". I think about her all the time and every child I see makes me wonder what she would have looked like. I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant women and see constant reminders that my baby is gone. It makes me feel empty in every way.
I know that thus far, doing things to honor her life have been healing and have made me feel closer to her but I just wish I could get past my fear of having an actual memorial service for her. She deserves the very best and I'm afraid I'll fall short.
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Charity,
ReplyDelete(I can't seem to log-in under my username but this is Nicole with the dog picture)
I'm sorry you are in such turmoil with PJ's memorial service. You have to do what you can right now....little steps. Perhaps you could have the memorial service and save your letter for her when you do something closer to her due date. You don't need to put any more pressure on yourself.
I think the fact that you are blogging about this experience is a step. Journaling/Blogging is such a powerful tool. Here is my two cents for what it is worth...I think that taking all of your blogs and getting them bound in some way would be a nice gift for PJ. Your love for PJ is evident in all of your writing. You could present PJ with this gift from you closer to her due date.
You need to do what is best for you and what you feel is the best way to honor your baby. You can't rush yourself. Take your time and continue to take care of yourself. I continue to pray for peace for you.
On a sidebar note, you asked where I was from. I am in Atlanta and the weather is beautiful here. We spent the weekend in Hilton Head Island, SC to see my in-laws for Easter. I have three spoiled rotten dogs that are the loves of my life. Our dogs are 10, 9 and soon-to-be 4. Our 10 year old dog is a yellow lab (that is her picture on my account) I have a 15 month old newphew that I am absolutely in love with--he is such a cutie. My husband and I have been married for three years.
About the Ponstel--I had never heard of it before but my GYN put me on it because of TTC and he said it was safe to take while TTC. Ponstel is actually designed for heavy periods and cramping. Like I said, it has been a miracle drug. The biggest thing is taking a double dose at the first twinge of cramps and then taking it religously every six hours for a couple of days after the cramps start.
I hope you are feeling better with your cycle and that you have gotten some relief.
Take care!
Nicole
Thank you, Nicole. Your encouragement is very reassuring. Your comments are always thoughtful and genuine. I have such gratitude for your support. I think your idea of having my blog posts bound is a wonderful idea.
ReplyDeleteThat's great you have fur babies. I have one fur baby myself. My 11 year old cat named Winnie. (Not from Winnie the Pooh but "Winnie Cooper" from the Wonder Years... one of my favorite shows growing up)
I spent Easter weekend with my sister and her family. I have 3 nephews, 6 yrs, 4 yrs, and 8 mos. They are my heart. They live just outside of Birmingham, Alabama so I don't get to see them nearly enough. I flew this time but I usually drive when I go to visit and I go right through Atlanta. :-) Who knows... maybe some day we could actually meet.
Thanks again for your sensitivity. It means a lot to me. If you ever want to contact me through email you can do so at charityparsons@yahoo.com
((hugs))
~ Charity