Grief is a lonely place

CD2 (Cycle day 2) has not been any better than CD1. The cramping is very intense and the bleeding has been quite heavy. I phoned my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to find out if this is normal but unfortunately he couldn't give me a simple answer. He simply wants me to come in tomorrow so we can talk about it and do a possible exam. That's disappointing since I have to pay a $50 copay just to walk in the door there. (ugh!)
I suppose I shouldn't really complain. They were kind enough not to charge me for the follow up visits I had after my miscarriage. (I had to go in every week for another beta to test my HCG levels)
My hope is that he can prescribe something for this pain because so far I've been taking 800mg of ibuprofen and that doesn't even come close to easing the pain.

My cycle, the cramping, the bleeding... all of it is just another reminder that I lost my sweet baby. I would have been 15 weeks pregnant today. I miss her so much and really miss being pregnant. Being in the limbo of not knowing if I should try again and if so when makes the journey more difficult. I think it's the uncertainty of it all that adds to my depression.

Also, I had a very close friend of mine that I met online through the Fertile Thoughts forum (an online support group for women TTC) who seems too busy to talk to me anymore. It really hurts because we used to talk every day (through email of course). I don't understand it and it makes me sad. She was such a huge support to me through my TTC journey and even when I was pregnant that I can't regret forming that friendship with her. I wouldn't change a thing... I just wish she could have been there for me when I needed her most. I'm still glad I had her friendship for the short time that I did though.

It's fun meeting new people and finding out how we can all support one another through the really tough times. That's why I started this blog. Yes, it helps me immensely to be able to write about my feelings and the pain but it also helps me to know that others out there are reading it. I like to feel that connection to other people because let's face it... grief can be a very lonely place.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and commenting. You really are a big part of my healing process.

Much love!
XOXO

Cycle Day 1

Day by day, things get a little easier. Depression is still plaguing me but the grief is beginning to lessen a little more each day. I find that the more things I do to honor PJ's life the more I'm able to feel love when I think about her rather than the horrible pain I have experienced as a result of losing her.

I met with my psychiatrist and he will be increasing the dosage of my antidepressant because I'm still lacking any motivation, my appetite is still not back to normal, and I am not finding pleasure in things that I used to find enjoyable. There is still a part of me that feels dead inside.

I think as time goes on I just find better ways to "fake it". I keep hoping that the "fake it til you make it" idea will work to my advantage. Not that I don't still cry and grieve in my own time but I'm trying to force myself to do more things socially.. spending time with people that I care about.

This morning I woke up to my first period since my miscarriage. It's been about 5 1/2 weeks so that seems about right as most people will have their first cycle between 4 and 6 weeks after a miscarriage. So today is cycle day 1 for me and even though I'm not ready to get back on the TTC wagon I will be tracking ovulation. I've read that a woman's menstrual cycle can permanently change after pregnancy and/or pregnancy loss. I just want to find out if my cycles are still "normal" and determine the length of my luteal phase. (the luteal phase of a woman's menstrual cycle is the time between ovulation and menses - should be 14 days but a shorter luteal phase can mean that a woman will menstruate to soon after fertilization making implantation of a pregnancy difficult) A luteal phase defect could mean that I have difficulty if/when I decide I am ready to begin trying again. Plus, it can take a few months for a woman's cycles to get back to "normal" so I just want to track things and make sure my body is behaving the way it should after all that's happened. This cycle so far has been heavier and more painful so I'm hoping it's just because it's my first cycle and not that things have changed in this way for good. ugh!

My laparoscopy is scheduled for April 9th so I'm hoping that will help alleviate some of the pain I'm having.

I'd love to hear from my readers. Share your stories if you feel comfortable to do so. I'd like to get to know the people who are following my journey so feel free to comment or private message me.

Thanks for reading and if you haven't already, please click on the "FOLLOW" link to the left of your screen so I can see the people out there who are such an important part of my journey.

Lots of love,
Charity

Five stars...

Last night, I settled in with a book that had been recommended by my grief counselor. The name of it is "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People", written by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. I couldn't put it down. Literally, I stayed up until 3:30am reading it cover to cover in one sitting. No, I'm not Jewish but welcomed answers to my questions from any theologian. This book detailed every question I've ever had about why bad things happen and why God lets them happen and why he doesn't intervene and why there is so much injustice and suffering in the world. The answer, while I don't want to give anything away, is found in the simple question: are we certain that God is all powerful? Think about it, if you take that out of the equation you can no longer place blame on God for something he didn't fix or stop... he couldn't. I know religion can be a highly controversial topic but I challenge everyone who's had their own questions about God's love or power or how God's love can be amidst such tragedy in the world, to read this book. I found it so much more than helpful... it was eye opening. I no longer feel angry with God for taking my baby away from me; because I don't believe he made it happen, nor do I believe he LET it happen.
I've added a link at the top of the page under "resources" so you can view the book and it's reviews.
It is a relief to me to feel like maybe this isn't God's fault and that he is merely there to offer love and support as I go through this most difficult journey. Grieving the death of your child AND dealing with the guilt of being angry with God often go hand in hand but this book was able to take the element of guilt out of that equation, which allows me to focus solely on grieving and healing after my loss.
Five stars...

Where is God?

Really missing PJ today. I woke up this morning, as I do every morning, with overwhelming sadness. I'm trying to do things that will improve my mood and increase my coping skills but the fact is, I'm still sad and I don't think this pain will ever really go away. Today I would have been 14 weeks pregnant.

My family and close friends have offered to help me in planning a memorial for PJ. It will be held in September, around the time she would have been born (she was due 9/22/10). We will plant a tree in her honor. I'm looking for some kind of garden stone or something to place near the tree. Since I don't own a home I'll be planting the tree at my Mom's house.

My sadness makes me so unmotivated. I have a lot of things to get done today but I don't quite feel like doing any of them. (sigh) I really hate that things turned out this way. Everything feels ruined.

I told my mom yesterday that I really have been questioning my faith. I feel like I don't know anymore whether or not God exists. I have a friend who told me about this couple she knows. This couple had a 1 year old daughter. Yesterday morning they woke up to find that she'd died in her sleep. Where is God?

Healing

This weekend I was able to find some healing in making a memory box for PJ.
It was nice to take the time to personalize the box just for her and felt like a great way to honor her short life.

I think for me healing has come in not trying to "get over it" or "forget" but in REMEMBERING her and doing special things for her. Since I didn't get to bury my daughter it has been helpful to do things to signify my love for her and to solidify that she DID exist and she was a REAL PERSON... not just a miscarriage. I enjoyed shopping for the supplies and trying to choose something I thought would be perfect for her and enjoyed the time I spent personalizing the box and placing things in the box that remind me of her. I put sympathy cards in there that I've received, sonogram pictures of her, hospital bands from my D & C - the day we physically said goodbye and that her body was no longer a part of my body, a bib I purchased for her and used to lay across my belly after my insemination for "good luck", and eventually when I feel ready I will write a letter to my daughter and place that in her memory box as well.

I miss her so much.

PJ, even though I never got to hold you in my arms I will cherish you in my heart forever.
Mommy loves you!!!

Decisions

Still waking up with overwhelming sadness. This morning I got up and moving right away which has helped some. The weather today is gorgeous and shouldn't be wasted. I keep thinking I should get outside today but then end up just sitting here looking out the window. I am still in disbelief at times. Seems like an awfully long time to feel this way.

I've tried to put some thought into whether or not I'll try to conceive again. It's difficult to think about because there can never be a replacement for PJ and the fear of going through this again is overwhelming... but then the thought of never having a living child to raise and love is too sad to imagine. So, with that being said, I'm sure eventually I'll gain the courage to try again... I just don't know when that will be.

I know that the likelihood of conceiving after the laparoscopy is higher so it would be wise for me to try again directly after that surgery but in all honesty I don't think I'm ready. I'm still grieving and trying to get my depression under control and I think the addition of hormones and fertility drugs could be a disaster. Not to mention if it doesn't work I think it would put me right over the edge. Then again... I'm not getting any younger and waiting may be something I come to regret as well. (sigh)

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Two steps back

Not sure why but today has been exceptionally difficult. I woke up crying this morning at 5am and have been crying off and on all day. I was so relieved to have made any improvement at all, it didn't even occur to me that there would be setbacks.

This really is the hardest thing I've been through. At times I think that I will one day be okay and then other times, like today, it all comes crashing down around me all over again.

I have decided that today I will search for a box for my memories of PJ. I've looked online and haven't found the perfect box yet. I've considered making my own but I'm really not all that artistic so I'm not sure if that would be a good idea. I guess it would be something that could keep me occupied while at the same time honoring the life of my daughter.

I miss her so much.

My journey to motherhood

Today would have been a celebration of my second trimester. Today I would have been 13 weeks pregnant. Sometimes I still can't believe this has happened. I wonder how big my belly would be by now. Emotionally today was difficult, not just for this reason but because I also had to have a follow up ultrasound to make sure my womb was indeed empty and healthy. This ultrasound took place in the same room in which I found out that my baby had died. I hate that room. It makes me feel sick to even walk through the door.

We also discussed surgery to remove my endometriosis, which is something we had already scheduled before I found out I was pregnant. I was scheduled for February 19th, ironically the same day I had my D & C. Now, we will move forward with the surgery to alleviate some of the daily pain I experience as a result of the endo. I have daily pelvic pain which is difficult to deal with. I take narcotic pain medication on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. I want to be able to get through the day without the need for pain meds. This surgery will accomplish that. I'll be having a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy; an outpatient procedure to remove endometrial implants outside of the uterus. (Endometrium is the lining of the inside of the uterus but with Endometriosis it grows on the outside of the uterus or on the tubes or ovaries or intestines)

Also, I forgot to mention that my last beta came back at 7. They like to see it go back down to zero but he said 7 was low enough that I didn't need to do any further blood work.

I was originally diagnosed with endometriosis back in 1996. I've had this surgery twice already; in 1996 and then again in 1999. It is not a permanent cure as endo will grow back over time. Since it has been more than 10 years since I last had the surgery I decided it may be time to have it again. See, because of the tremendous amount of pain I deal with I've received all kinds of "treatments" from pain meds, to spinal injections, to neuro-stimulator implants and physical therapy. In the end my doctors said there was nothing more they could do and that it was time to move forward with a hysterectomy. I've always wanted to be a mother and couldn't imagine this being the end. Unfortunately I'm not married or dating anyone and it seemed that having a baby wasn't an option. I began doing some research and found that many women choose motherhood through donor intrauterine insemination, even though they are single. I grappled with the idea for over a year before making a final decision to do this on my own; to become a Single Mom by Choice.

I went for a consultation with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). The RE told me I would likely become pregnant within 3 to 4 cycles of intrauterine insemination (IUI). I carefully went over every detail of the donor profiles before making a decision. Once I had chosen my donor I proceeded with the IUIs. After 3 failed IUIs I began to get very worried. My RE said it was time to move on to invitro fertilization (IVF). Of course many health insurance policies will not cover fertility treatments and even though the IUIs were expensive (nearly $1200 per cycle, including donor sperm) they were nothing in comparison to IVF treatments which would be closer to $12,000 per cycle. I was scared and confused and unsure why my body didn't seem to be working properly. I convinced my RE to do another HSG dye test to make sure my fallopian tubes were open and functional. (often women will become pregnant right after this test because the dye clears the tubes of any debris, unless they are completely blocked) My tubes were open and looked good. I did one more IUI after this dye test and fell pregnant.

This pregnancy, though carefully planned, was a big surprise to me. I went through the 2 week wait and began spotting and had a very very light period. I thought this meant it hadn't worked. I was crushed. This was my last IUI before having to somehow come up with the money for IVF. Ultimately, I decided to try a new RE for a second opinion. He suggested the surgery to remove the endo and that I could try a few more IUIs before moving to IVF. Well, the spotting didn't stop. For some strange reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and low and behold... it was POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. I was so excited... but my excitement quickly turned into fear when I thought of how many days I'd been bleeding; nearly 10 days. I called my new RE and told him the news and he got me in right away for a beta (blood test to check HCG levels). HCG is the hormone your body produces during pregnancy and is responsible for creating that second line on home pregnancy tests). He also started me on progesterone suppositories to stop the spotting. My beta came back lower than expected but my RE said it was okay after seeing the second beta which had more than doubled. I was so relieved.

He did a scan at 7 weeks pregnant and found what he told me was either a twin or a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) (fancy name for a blood clot). He said if it WAS SCH, that it was not something to worry about and that it often resolved itself and that it was very possible that this was a second placenta we were seeing. I was elated. I couldn't believe I was possibly carrying twins! He asked me to come back in 2 weeks to do another scan to see if we could get a clear answer on what he was seeing, twin or SCH. Either way I had at least one healthy baby growing inside me with a tiny beating heart. That was by far the best day of my life.

I went back 2 weeks later at 9 weeks pregnant and THAT was one of the WORST days of my life (tied with the day of my D & C - hard to say which day was the worst since they were both horrible). That's when I was told that my baby had died one week earlier at exactly 8 weeks of pregnancy. I couldn't believe it... I still can't believe it.

So, that is how I became pregnant for the first time. It was the happiest and most sad experience of my life. I still miss her and cry for her every day, though the crying is becoming less and less.

I want to thank those of you that are reading my blog and want to invite you to "follow" my blog by clicking the "follow" button on the left of your screen. I also want to encourage you to leave comments or message me. Tell me your stories, tell me what helped you to get through a similar situation.

Much love to you all.

Crying a little less...

I'm back from my visit with my sister and nephews and pleased to say the time spent with family did lift my spirits. There were parts of the visit that were difficult but all in all it went very well. I hadn't seen my nephews in quite a while so I was missing them terribly. It's difficult to be unhappy when I'm with them.
I'm still missing PJ all day every day but crying a little less. Some days are better than others, which is a good thing because only a few days ago I said there was no improvement at all. I think it's possible that the antidepressants are doing their job but I believe it has much more to do with me seeing my favorite little boys in the whole world.
Tomorrow is one month to the day since I found out that I'd lost my baby. It's extremely difficult to think about because it brings up some very raw emotions when I do. I have been having my follow up appointments at the same doctor's office so each time I have to go there I feel like I come close to panic when I enter the building. My heart races and I feel sick to my stomach. My memory of that day is still quite fresh. I actually have to go there Wednesday for a surgery consult. I have endometriosis and need laparoscopic surgery to have the endo removed to alleviate daily pain. I will post more on endometriosis and how it relates to my journey to pregnancy soon.
Also, I will post pictures tomorrow of my beautiful nephews.

Thanks for reading...
Charity

It's a sham

I'm enjoying the precious time I've been given with my three nephews (8 months, 4 years, and 6 years old). It's been 8 months since I've seen my boys so it was long overdue. Still, the time here with them has been bittersweet. There are so many reminders of what's missing in my life. I've done alright considering, but have still had random crying spells throughout the day. Little things like shopping for baby food and diapers for my nephew and seeing all the cute baby clothes brings forth the painful truth that those won't be things I'll be shopping for, as I had hoped. I miss my sweet baby and even with the morning sickness and extreme fatigue... I truly miss being pregnant. Progesterone suppositories and all. Funny how when you have to work so hard to get pregnant you actually long for all those things that most women complain about.
My sister is taking good care of me, though. I haven't styled my hair or put on make up in quite a while... my mood has said, "what's the point"? So, instead of letting me go out in public looking like a hobo, as I've done everyday since I lost PJ, she sat me down in the bathroom and styled my hair and put make up on my face. It really was sweet of her. I looked better than I've looked in nearly a month... even though I'm still a hobo on the inside.
I'm hoping tomorrow won't be too painful. We are attending a 3 year old's birthday party tomorrow and I'll be faced with even more painful reminders my empty womb. Dr. Brown has given me a prescription for xanex and I'm taking full advantage of them this weekend so I can feel less and act more appropriately for my family. So far it's worked pretty well. I think I've only cried 4 times today.
Time now to turn in... the baby gets up early so it's not really a possibility to sleep in. Goodnight for now and I'll update again tomorrow, time permitting.

Mommy loves you PJ!

~ Charity

Awareness

Today I went to Barnes & Noble to find some books on coping with pregnancy loss. I was shocked to see that they only had ONE book! I know there are a few on Amazon and I'll probably just order my books from there but I was trying to avoid having to wait on and pay for shipping.
Amazing.
I asked one of the associates if she could help me and she directed me to the one book they had in the self help section. I asked her if perhaps there were more books in the section they kept books on pregnancy or maybe even grief and loss. She became very annoyed with me and said this was the only one. I went to Books-A-Million a few days ago and they only had one book as well and it was for "Pregnancy after loss". She at least offered to order a book for me. The woman today was completely irritated with me for even suggesting there might be another place to look. I suppose it never occurred to her that I was asking because I had in fact lost my little baby. Why is compassion so scarce?
I haven't told you this yet but I'm working on a masters degree in social work. I am a very compassionate person and I guess it still surprises me that there are so few of us out there. Aren't we all here in this world together? Can we not help each other through? What could I expect though, from a woman who is probably working for minimum wage, over worked and underpaid. Another lesson in patience with people who don't understand.
I'll be seeing my sister and nephews this weekend. I'm hoping this will lift my spirits.
Tomorrow I go back to my RE (for those of you not in the TTC - Trying To Conceive - community, RE stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist) Tomorrow will hopefully be my last beta to check my pregnancy levels. One week after my D & C my level was at 250 then last week it was down to 24 so I would imagine it will be down to zero by now. Of course I still haven't gotten a period yet but I hear that can take anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks after pregnancy loss. Some sources say you must have 20 consecutive days with no bleeding before any bleeding can be considered a real period. Anything sooner than 20 days is simply left over from the miscarriage.
I'm missing PJ so much each day. I sometimes still can't believe I'm actually waiting for my PERIOD! I still can't believe she's gone. It's not that it hasn't really hit me because it has, like a tone of bricks, but every once in a while I feel like this just can't be real. My tummy is back down to normal size, not that it was all that big but I was already unable to wear my normal pants without keeping them unzipped and wearing the belly band. No more... everything is getting back to normal, physically. Too normal.
Emotionally... I'll never be back to normal. Maybe a different version of normal but nothing will ever be the same.

I plan to write a post explaining my TTC journey eventually.

~ Charity

It still hurts

Today's appointment with my therapist went well. I also got to speak with someone in HR at my job. She reassured me that I didn't need to worry about my job; I simply need to focus on healing. That definitely helps.

I also found the most beautiful frame for my ultrasound picture. I'm still looking to find a pretty box in which to store all of my pictures and memories of my pregnancy.

It still hurts though...

Each day I look at my naked body in the mirror and wonder how things might be different if I hadn't lost PJ. I imagine my belly swollen with the truest of love, swollen with life and the growth of my beautiful child. How big would I be now, I wonder to myself? As I watch women in my neighborhood walking with their strollers I imagine again, as I’ve imagined hundreds of times, how I would have walked with MY stroller, with MY baby. I often think about her eyes and her hair. Would she have looked like me? Though I’ve never seen her smile I imagine how it would have brightened even my darkest day. What cute and funny things would she have said? What mark would she have left on this world? Would it have even come close to the mark she’s left on my heart?

I'm still a Mom

Somehow I keep expecting to wake up one morning and feel better but so far I have felt no improvement. It's very discouraging and makes me sometimes feel like I'm crazy.

I'm still struggling with people in my life who have been less than understanding. It's difficult.
To say that losing a baby is painful doesn't really give an accurate description of what it feels like. It's beyond painful... and what happens is that as a mother (and we ARE still her mothers, even though we don't have our precious babies in our arms to prove it) your pain may be more intense and last longer than others, such as mine has. The difficult thing is that in the beginning I had all these people in my life who were so compassionate and understanding about my loss and grief but after a couple of weeks it seems that most people forget about it (and expect that I have done the same). Of course, life goes on somehow but in a completely different way than I pictured it, which causes new pain to surface every time I am faced with those "differences".
My support network is dwindling as time continues to pass. It almost seems to feel worse now than it did in the very beginning. I'm sure shock is partly to blame but also the changing dynamics of my support system and the passage of time that reminds me that life goes on whether I like it or not.

I'm still waiting patiently for the antidepressants to begin their important work... and I'm back to see the counselor tomorrow. I'm hoping for a productive session.

More tomorrow...

~ Charity

Learning to trust myself...

Grieving the loss of a baby is such a deeply private experience. It's not something that can be explained... only lived. I find myself looking to others for validation and acceptance. I've learned that pregnancy loss is also an extremely lonely process and that I can look to nobody but myself for how I should feel. A friend recently told me that when remove all the "shoulds" in this process I would finally begin to heal. That is difficult to say the least... I'm a people pleaser by nature and want to feel like what I'm experiencing and the way I'm handling it is "normal". What I'm discovering is that there is no "normal" in grieving the loss of your child. Family and friends can offer suggestions on what might help me to move forward but ultimately healing will happen in my own time, which is not something I can even define.
My goal this week is to begin to put one foot in front of the other... waking up in the morning instead of staying in bed all day, taking a shower and getting dressed. Mom has suggested I get in the car and go somewhere, perhaps the beach or the mall and take a walk, something. I'm still on a leave of absence from work and don't feel I'm equipped to get through the workday at this point. I've really beat myself up for being out of work but I'm realizing that all the time I spend beating myself up is time NOT spent grieving the loss of my sweet little baby, which means it's time not spent IN the healing process... only analyzing the healing process. In a sense I've stunted my own healing growth by all the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". As I said in my first post... this is a "learn as I go" experience since I've never been through this before.
Learning to trust myself means allowing myself to grieve without judgment and without feeling guilty; trusting that I'm handling this in the best way that I can and that there is no "wrong" way to handle the death of my baby.
I began seeing a new therapist today, as the first one didn't prove to be at all helpful. He was really quite good and I think our sessions will be productive over time. He was extremely sensitive to my feelings of grief and depression. He acknowledged that this is a profound loss and that my absence from work and time spent grieving and crying and thinking things over and over are completely appropriate. He encouraged me to write about my feelings so I think this blog will be very helpful in the long run and my hope is that it may help someone else along the way.
As I sit here and type I'm feeling tempted to bring this post to a close because it is getting so long but I still have more to say... so I will continue to write.
I thought I might list some things that have been helpful for me in the last couple of weeks.
~ allowing myself to be alone in the beginning and now as more time is passing, allowing (and often forcing myself) to be around other people... I usually don't feel like it but often I'm glad I did spend that time with someone else.
~ allowing myself to distance myself from people who have made insensitive comments about my loss... being around or talking to people who love me and truly care about what I'm going through.
~ reminding myself that before this happened I myself couldn't understand the impact of miscarriage so I can't expect other people to understand unless they've been through it - I've had to learn to be patient with people around me who think I should be able to move on more quickly
~ talking to other women who have been through the loss of a baby --- this one I cannot stress enough! This has been one of the most helpful things for me to do. Since this is such a lonely process it helps to know that even though you may feel alone, you are not.
~ getting help from a counselor - the first one I went to wasn't helpful but I didn't give up until I found one that I knew I could connect with.
~ writing about my loss and the feelings associated with all that it entails
~ reading other women's pregnancy loss stories
~ talking with a friend who has been through the loss of a baby - she understands what I'm going through
~ purchasing a "memorial necklace" in honor of my baby and to honor my grief
~ I have a history of depression so I have begun taking my antidepressants again... I haven't noticed a difference yet but I'm hoping this will also be helpful

My mom has been my biggest supporter through my grief. Even though she herself has never experienced miscarriage, she has educated herself on what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say. (I may do a post on what not to say another time because I feel it is so important)
She has been a great sounding board as well. She's okay to sit with me in silence and just let me cry or she's okay to sit and talk with me or just listen to me talk. If you have someone in your life you can talk to, use that person. Talking about your baby can be helpful by giving a voice to your pain.

In the end... I think the most important thing we can do as we suffer the loss of our children is to be gentle with ourselves. I'm still learning how to do this but I'm working at it everyday.

Mommy misses and loves you PJ!

Charity

D & C

This post is to share with you information about my D & C. The experience and feelings associated with the procedure. After my doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was no longer viable he recommended a D & C because he said it could take weeks to miscarry and he didn't want to put me through that. I took his word for it; believing it would be too painful emotionally to deal with losing my baby at home. The surgery itself was not major and I went home the same day, 7 hours later. I had bleeding and cramping for nearly two weeks after. In all honesty I can say with deep regret and shame that the thought of seeing my lifeless baby frightened me. Given the opportunity to go back and do things over, I would have birthed my baby at home with dignity. I feel that I robbed my baby of the respect and reverence she so deserved. I will forever bear the burden of remorse. I gave up the opportunity to see and hold my baby, see her face, her small fragile body, her tiny fingers and toes. Instead I only have the memory of my last sonogram; a black and white fuzzy image of my would-be first born. I didn't get to bury my child. Instead she was regarded as "products of conception" or "tissue" and she was thrown away.

So, not only do I have to grieve the loss of my child but I have to try to forgive myself for choosing a D & C. Oh how I wish I could go back and change it. I'm so sorry.

I do want to say that the decision to naturally birth your baby at home or to have a D & C is a highly personal and private decision. There really isn't any right way to do it... only what feels right to you and of course what your doctor recommends because there are risks associated with either option. I simply urge you to follow your instincts and do what feels right for you.

If you have any questions about D & C or miscarriage, please feel free to comment or message me.
Until next time...

Charity

Welcome

Welcome to my blog! I've found that writing can be therapeutic so I decided that a blog might provide a great outlet to begin the healing process for myself in addition to providing support to other women who've experienced miscarriage by sharing my story.

“It doesn’t look good. I’m sorry, I think it died”… In the brief moment it took for my doctor to utter those awful words, my life changed forever. My heart sank, my face felt hot, I thought I would vomit. This couldn’t be right. I wanted desperately for him to be wrong. Check again! I thought to myself. I wanted to wake up from what I was certain was just a terrifying nightmare. How? How could my baby be dead? I’m not bleeding; I’m not in pain!! And more importantly, WHY??? I thought that day would be a day of joy and excitement. I was told I might be carrying twins. How can this be? Sometimes I still don’t believe it.

My mom, on this most painful day, her birthday, leaned down and put her arms around me as I still lay on the table with the paper sheet draped across my lap, stunned and sobbing. She cried with me. Only two weeks before, I experienced what could only be described as the most beautiful day of my life; the day I saw my baby’s heart flickering on the screen and heard the beautiful whooshing sound it made. I was in awe; amazed at how all your life you hear that a baby is such a miracle but realizing that you never really knew it until you saw that tiny heart beating and realized it was beating in you.

Now... realizing that my baby’s tiny heart just stopped, without my consent, without my knowledge; I felt like the heart in my own chest would surely stop beating but it didn’t; it hasn’t. It’s still beating, against my will, just as this earth is still turning and people are still living and laughing. How did I feel joy before that beautiful day? How would I ever feel joy again?
My baby has tiny elbows and eyelids and fingers and toes but doesn’t have a beating heart anymore. What else in this world could ever matter again?

I was 9 weeks pregnant and my baby was measured at only at 8 weeks gestation meaning the baby had died a week earlier. They called it a "missed miscarriage",meaning that my baby had already died but my body was not recognizing that the pregnancy was not progressing so my placenta continued to grow and produce hormones continuing to give me some morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms. My uterus was continuing growth as well, as if this were a healthy pregnancy. I'd had no bleeding prior to this horrible news so I was in complete shock. I was told I would need a D & C to remove the "products of conception"... MY BABY. I'll explain the D & C further in another post.

I wish now that I'd begun this blog earlier on while I was trying to conceive (TTC) because my story is long and complicated and so much has happened prior to my pregnancy loss. The short version (for now) is that I have been trying to conceive since July 2009 through donor intrauterine insemination (IUI) I achieved pregnancy on my fourth IUI and was absolutely in love from day one... especially the day I got to see my little beaner's heartbeat at 7 weeks. Since I'd been trying for so long and worked so hard to achieve this pregnancy the loss of my baby was all the more painful and devastating... not just for myself but for my family members as well. We were all crushed by this loss and I especially am having a very difficult time coping.

My intention is to share my healing process with you (as I go through it... because I am not yet healed) - to tell you what is working for me and what is not working for me. This will be a "learn as I blog" type of thing since I'm new to blogging and desperate to find my way through this dark time in my life. At the top of my page I've added three links to excellent resources on pregnancy loss. One: pregnancy loss info - is INVALUABLE... to my knowledge, this is the BEST website you could find. This sight has taught me a lot about compassion and patience with MYSELF as I struggle through the grieving process and it is rich with information on what to expect as you navigate the dark valley of miscarriage. There are places on the site where other women share their stories which has helped me to learn that I am not alone. The other link I added is one to the pregnancy loss section of the Fertile Thoughts Forum. Fertile Thoughts (FT)is a forum that was invaluable to me during the TTC part of my journey. Lots of wonderful and supportive women. We call it a sisterhood because we all have such a strong bond. The third link at the top of my page is a youtube link to a miscarriage vlog that I found extremely helpful. This was created by a women who went through a missed miscarriage herself only a few weeks further into her pregnancy than I was in mine.

The link to the Pregnancy Loss Info website, there at the top of my page, has several suggestions on how you can honor your baby's life. I have chosen several ways to honor the loss of my baby. #1 I named her (I never got a confirmation on the sex of my baby but deeply feel it was a girl so I have given her a girl's name. Pamela Joelene. I would have called her PJ. The whole time I was pregnant my mother had a nickname for her and still to this day calls her "Sweet Pea". #2 I purchased a necklace in her honor. It's a tear drop shape (which seemed fitting) and I will try to post the photo on here if I can.

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That's all for now... more tomorrow.

Charity
xoxo