It's a sham

I'm enjoying the precious time I've been given with my three nephews (8 months, 4 years, and 6 years old). It's been 8 months since I've seen my boys so it was long overdue. Still, the time here with them has been bittersweet. There are so many reminders of what's missing in my life. I've done alright considering, but have still had random crying spells throughout the day. Little things like shopping for baby food and diapers for my nephew and seeing all the cute baby clothes brings forth the painful truth that those won't be things I'll be shopping for, as I had hoped. I miss my sweet baby and even with the morning sickness and extreme fatigue... I truly miss being pregnant. Progesterone suppositories and all. Funny how when you have to work so hard to get pregnant you actually long for all those things that most women complain about.
My sister is taking good care of me, though. I haven't styled my hair or put on make up in quite a while... my mood has said, "what's the point"? So, instead of letting me go out in public looking like a hobo, as I've done everyday since I lost PJ, she sat me down in the bathroom and styled my hair and put make up on my face. It really was sweet of her. I looked better than I've looked in nearly a month... even though I'm still a hobo on the inside.
I'm hoping tomorrow won't be too painful. We are attending a 3 year old's birthday party tomorrow and I'll be faced with even more painful reminders my empty womb. Dr. Brown has given me a prescription for xanex and I'm taking full advantage of them this weekend so I can feel less and act more appropriately for my family. So far it's worked pretty well. I think I've only cried 4 times today.
Time now to turn in... the baby gets up early so it's not really a possibility to sleep in. Goodnight for now and I'll update again tomorrow, time permitting.

Mommy loves you PJ!

~ Charity