I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been at a loss for words. My depression is here in full force and I'm not sure what to do with it. All I want to do is sleep and cry. There's not much in my life that seems meaningful. I'm trying each day to put on my positive attitude but it never lasts long. It doesn't feel authentic. What feels real is that my life is a mess and I don't have the motivation to clean it up. It seemed as though things were looking up and I was beginning to have hope again but where has it gone? I just feel so tired... tired of feeling sad, tired of feeling hopeless, tired of being sick, tired of my job, tired of school, tired of everything.
I'll be following up with my psychiatrist soon and I'm thinking maybe a change of medication would be a good plan. I hate living like this and feeling like this. It makes me disgusted with myself. I wish I could have a new life... a better one. Meanwhile there are people in the world with much worse existences than mine and all I can do is complain. I need help.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am feeling the same as you. In January we did our last adn final IVF so that we could add another sweet baby to our family. We were successful and so excited. Had some bleeding in early February but baby rebounded and was doing great. Had numerous ultrasounds and all looked great. On March 24 our world crashed. While having my first trimester ultrasound screening at 12.5 weeks we saw out lifeless baby lying there inside me with no heartbeat. They say our baby died a week earlier by measurements. HOw? Why? Had a D&E on March 25 and have been numb, just going thru the motions of life. Until I went back to work last weekend. I am a nurse on a mother/baby unit. I lost complete controll and had an anxiety attack and an emotional breakdown. I keep having flashbacks of that ultrasound and I have a fear that my other children will be taken from me. Needless to say, I am heartbroken, angry, confused, hurt and extremely depressed. This week I went to a therapist and my doctor. I now have the diagnosis of postpartum depression and post traumatic stress. I am taking medication now and I am hoping to get out of this horrible place. I feel your pain.
ReplyDelete-June
June,
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry for your loss. I know all too well the pain and trauma of losing a baby. I can't imagine what it must be like knowing this was your final IVF. I want to tell you that everything you're feeling and experiencing is normal. You don't need to feel guilty or embarrassed by the way you feel. It's a horrible horrible pain to have to live with. I care about you and what you are going through and I hope I can be a support for you during this difficult time. Please, if you haven't already, visit the resource links at the top of my page. Those sites were very helpful to me during the healing process. I will be thinking about you and sending you positive healing thoughts your way. (((big hugs)))
Feel free to email me privately if you would like to. My email address is charityparsons@yahoo.com
Much love,
Charity
Oh Charity,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I am glad to hear that will be following up with your psychiatrist soon. Please don't feel "disgusted" with yourself. As you said in your post to June all of the feelings you are feeling are okay and normal. You must give yourself the chance to grieve. As you travel this path of healing you will have steps forward and you may stumble backwards but you are a strong woman and you have to know that good days and bad days are part of the process.
I pray that you find peace and that you start to feel healing in your life. You have touched so many women's lives through your blog; your courage is enlightening. Please, please take care of yourself.
Much love and many hugs,
Nicole
Thank you, Nicole, for being one of my biggest online supporters. Up until recently you have been the only person to comment on my posts. Your words are always uplifting and encouraging and for that I offer you my sincerest gratitude. ((hugs))
ReplyDelete