Cycle Day 1

Day by day, things get a little easier. Depression is still plaguing me but the grief is beginning to lessen a little more each day. I find that the more things I do to honor PJ's life the more I'm able to feel love when I think about her rather than the horrible pain I have experienced as a result of losing her.

I met with my psychiatrist and he will be increasing the dosage of my antidepressant because I'm still lacking any motivation, my appetite is still not back to normal, and I am not finding pleasure in things that I used to find enjoyable. There is still a part of me that feels dead inside.

I think as time goes on I just find better ways to "fake it". I keep hoping that the "fake it til you make it" idea will work to my advantage. Not that I don't still cry and grieve in my own time but I'm trying to force myself to do more things socially.. spending time with people that I care about.

This morning I woke up to my first period since my miscarriage. It's been about 5 1/2 weeks so that seems about right as most people will have their first cycle between 4 and 6 weeks after a miscarriage. So today is cycle day 1 for me and even though I'm not ready to get back on the TTC wagon I will be tracking ovulation. I've read that a woman's menstrual cycle can permanently change after pregnancy and/or pregnancy loss. I just want to find out if my cycles are still "normal" and determine the length of my luteal phase. (the luteal phase of a woman's menstrual cycle is the time between ovulation and menses - should be 14 days but a shorter luteal phase can mean that a woman will menstruate to soon after fertilization making implantation of a pregnancy difficult) A luteal phase defect could mean that I have difficulty if/when I decide I am ready to begin trying again. Plus, it can take a few months for a woman's cycles to get back to "normal" so I just want to track things and make sure my body is behaving the way it should after all that's happened. This cycle so far has been heavier and more painful so I'm hoping it's just because it's my first cycle and not that things have changed in this way for good. ugh!

My laparoscopy is scheduled for April 9th so I'm hoping that will help alleviate some of the pain I'm having.

I'd love to hear from my readers. Share your stories if you feel comfortable to do so. I'd like to get to know the people who are following my journey so feel free to comment or private message me.

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Lots of love,
Charity