Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Pregnancy loss study at Drexel University

I received an email from someone studying pregnancy loss at Drexel University.
He has asked me to post some information on the study in case any of my readers/followers would be interested in participating. Below is the email I received from him.

If you lost a pregnancy (to stillbirth or miscarriage) in the past 6 months to 4 years, we want to hear YOUR story.

Drexel University is conducting a research study to learn how women healed and moved on from the grief of their loss. You are eligible if you:

1. Are between the ages of 19 and 50
2. Live in the United States
3. Identify as either White/Caucasian or Black/African American
4. Experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth any time between December, 2007, and June, 2011.

The study is confidential and your personal information will be secure.

Please email us at drexel.pregnancy.loss@gmail.com if you are interested in volunteering for the study. Thank you- we are looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Just so you know, we also have a facebook page, the Philadelphia Pregnancy Loss Project (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Philadelphia-Pregnancy-Loss-Project/219234508110871).


If you think you might be interested please contact Efrat Eichenbaum at ee68@drexel.edu, or by phone at 404.202.5496. You may also contact his adviser for this research, Dr. Pamela Geller. She can be reached at pg27@drexel.edu
His study is a confidential online survey that asks women about their pregnancy loss experiences, and how they coped and healed from this event. His hope is that the information he collects will help doctors and nurses improve their quality of care for women who have had a pregnancy loss.

Because so many women seek internet support after pregnancy loss, he is utilizing the internet and various blogs for recruiting volunteers for this study.
I plan to check it out myself... you should do the same.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

After all this time...

Here I am, once again, mourning the loss of PJ. All while mourning the loss of another relationship. Looks like my journey to motherhood will be single after all.

The second anniversary of PJ's loss is almost here, 2/16. And, I must say I'm having a much more difficult time handling the grief this year than I did last year. I think what makes it that much more difficult is that I feel somehow that people might judge me for still grieving, two years later. I can't help it though. I still feel like a piece of me is missing and I'm not sure that I'll ever get it back or get over it.

I'm still looking for work, after being laid off from my job, and I'm finishing up my masters degree in social work. I work hard and try to give of myself when I can but lately I've been a bit selfish. I've neglected friendships and worst of all I hurt someone that I dearly love. For reasons I won't go into here we faced some obstacles that diminished the affection I had for him. When trust goes, intimacy follows. I'm sad and hurting that I have hurt him so much. My heart breaks for him and I suppose a little for me as well because I know now that I must face my fertility challenges alone once again. I will always have a special place in my heart for this man and will probably never forgive myself for the ways in which I hurt him. You know who you are and from them bottom of my heart --- I am truly sorry and will always love you.

I'm back in therapy for depression and my new therapist suggested that I come up with a way to commemorate PJ this year on her second anniversary. I'm finding it difficult to come up with a way that will honor her properly. Especially since the anniversary falls on my mother's birthday, from which I do not want to detract attention. That is her special day and I know in my own heart I will always think of PJ on that day.

I feel hopeless that I'll ever become a mother and that I will ever find happiness. My depression comes and goes and I've noticed a marked increase in my anxiety which I am treating with prescription medications. I wish I could make all of this just go away but facing it is my only option. I only wish I weren't having to face it alone... but I guess it is my own fault that I am facing that dilemma. Somehow putting myself first always seems to get me into trouble in my life. I'm wondering if I shouldn't take a permanent back seat to other people's lives and problems. That seems to be where I'm most comfortable anyway.

Tomorrow is another therapy day so let's hope for a productive session.

Any suggestions on memorial ideas for PJ would be most appreciated!!

This loss is just something I think will never ever go away.

Until next time...
Thanks for reading and commenting.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

P.J.'s Due Date is almost here...

As the days of September pass one by one I become closer to my due date for P.J.
She was due on 9/22/10. It is important to me to commemorate her in some way but I feel lost when trying to determine the best way to accomplish that.
My life is so much different now that it would have been had I not lost her. I miss her and still think of her every day and how my life would be better if she were here.
Originally I wanted to plant a tree to honor her short life but I don’t own a home and I’m not sure my mother’s house is the right place to plant it either because she may decide to sell her house soon.

Oh… I don’t know what to do!! I can’t let that day come and go and only remember her with my own tears. I need something special.

Please share any ideas you may have.

Mommy misses you PJ!!!

Friday, July 23, 2010

What's so perfect about THIS plan?

If you've never lived it you might tell someone that their miscarriage is part of God's perfect plan. Perhaps you HAVE lived it and you believe in a perfect plan. I'm facing miscarriage number 2 and I honestly don't see anything perfect about it.

I got my BFP earlier this week and went into my RE for bloodwork only to be told that my HCG was only at an 8. That's much too low for a viable pregnancy. So now I wait to miscarry again.

I worried this day might come but I kept "thinking positive" like people say to do... it won't happen to me. When does positive thinking cross over into denial? Anyway... I didn't think it would happen to me. I knew it was possible but surely I'm not someone who is going to suffer recurrent miscarriages??? Surely not.

Yet, here I am. I mourn the loss of this baby while mending old wounds from losing PJ. I will name this baby soon but I'm just not ready yet.

RE wants to do a "recurrent miscarriage blood panel" so hopefully that will reveal why I can GET pregnant but I can't seem to STAY pregnant.
I just can't seem to keep my babies alive. :( It's an awful feeling.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Looking back...

It’s been a while since I’ve updated you all. I’ve seen such a drastic improvement in my mood since my doctor switched my medication that I guess I’ve felt good enough to get out and live my life and haven’t really set aside time for blogging! I won’t write as much to this one because now I’ve started a new TTC blog. I’ve considered doing a Vlog since I have a built-in camera on my laptop but I’m a little camera shy. LOL!! We’ll see.
I’m back at work and feeling more and more like my old self every day. I still have my moments of tears for PJ but all in all I’m doing better. I want to say that looking back, I have NO REGRETS about the length of time I took off work (even though in the beginning I did). Now that I’m feeling better I realize just how much I needed that time to process what I’d been through. I encourage those of you who have experienced the loss of a child to really be gentle and patient with yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. Time free of guilt, judgment, and stress. I believe I would have taken steps backward instead of moving forward if I had gone back to work too soon. Trust me when I say that people around you will have their own opinions about how you are handling your loss. Some will share those opinions and others won’t but rest with comfort in the fact that you are your own expert. Nobody can tell you what is right or wrong for you. Everyone heals differently and it’s very difficult to define. You are the bereaved parent, therefore the expert on your own grief and healing. Trust yourself and do what feels right.
I think that’s the ONLY reason that I can proudly say that I am a SURVIVER of miscarriage.
Much love to you all.