Friday, July 23, 2010

What's so perfect about THIS plan?

If you've never lived it you might tell someone that their miscarriage is part of God's perfect plan. Perhaps you HAVE lived it and you believe in a perfect plan. I'm facing miscarriage number 2 and I honestly don't see anything perfect about it.

I got my BFP earlier this week and went into my RE for bloodwork only to be told that my HCG was only at an 8. That's much too low for a viable pregnancy. So now I wait to miscarry again.

I worried this day might come but I kept "thinking positive" like people say to do... it won't happen to me. When does positive thinking cross over into denial? Anyway... I didn't think it would happen to me. I knew it was possible but surely I'm not someone who is going to suffer recurrent miscarriages??? Surely not.

Yet, here I am. I mourn the loss of this baby while mending old wounds from losing PJ. I will name this baby soon but I'm just not ready yet.

RE wants to do a "recurrent miscarriage blood panel" so hopefully that will reveal why I can GET pregnant but I can't seem to STAY pregnant.
I just can't seem to keep my babies alive. :( It's an awful feeling.