Awareness

Today I went to Barnes & Noble to find some books on coping with pregnancy loss. I was shocked to see that they only had ONE book! I know there are a few on Amazon and I'll probably just order my books from there but I was trying to avoid having to wait on and pay for shipping.
Amazing.
I asked one of the associates if she could help me and she directed me to the one book they had in the self help section. I asked her if perhaps there were more books in the section they kept books on pregnancy or maybe even grief and loss. She became very annoyed with me and said this was the only one. I went to Books-A-Million a few days ago and they only had one book as well and it was for "Pregnancy after loss". She at least offered to order a book for me. The woman today was completely irritated with me for even suggesting there might be another place to look. I suppose it never occurred to her that I was asking because I had in fact lost my little baby. Why is compassion so scarce?
I haven't told you this yet but I'm working on a masters degree in social work. I am a very compassionate person and I guess it still surprises me that there are so few of us out there. Aren't we all here in this world together? Can we not help each other through? What could I expect though, from a woman who is probably working for minimum wage, over worked and underpaid. Another lesson in patience with people who don't understand.
I'll be seeing my sister and nephews this weekend. I'm hoping this will lift my spirits.
Tomorrow I go back to my RE (for those of you not in the TTC - Trying To Conceive - community, RE stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist) Tomorrow will hopefully be my last beta to check my pregnancy levels. One week after my D & C my level was at 250 then last week it was down to 24 so I would imagine it will be down to zero by now. Of course I still haven't gotten a period yet but I hear that can take anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks after pregnancy loss. Some sources say you must have 20 consecutive days with no bleeding before any bleeding can be considered a real period. Anything sooner than 20 days is simply left over from the miscarriage.
I'm missing PJ so much each day. I sometimes still can't believe I'm actually waiting for my PERIOD! I still can't believe she's gone. It's not that it hasn't really hit me because it has, like a tone of bricks, but every once in a while I feel like this just can't be real. My tummy is back down to normal size, not that it was all that big but I was already unable to wear my normal pants without keeping them unzipped and wearing the belly band. No more... everything is getting back to normal, physically. Too normal.
Emotionally... I'll never be back to normal. Maybe a different version of normal but nothing will ever be the same.

I plan to write a post explaining my TTC journey eventually.

~ Charity