My journey to motherhood

Today would have been a celebration of my second trimester. Today I would have been 13 weeks pregnant. Sometimes I still can't believe this has happened. I wonder how big my belly would be by now. Emotionally today was difficult, not just for this reason but because I also had to have a follow up ultrasound to make sure my womb was indeed empty and healthy. This ultrasound took place in the same room in which I found out that my baby had died. I hate that room. It makes me feel sick to even walk through the door.

We also discussed surgery to remove my endometriosis, which is something we had already scheduled before I found out I was pregnant. I was scheduled for February 19th, ironically the same day I had my D & C. Now, we will move forward with the surgery to alleviate some of the daily pain I experience as a result of the endo. I have daily pelvic pain which is difficult to deal with. I take narcotic pain medication on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. I want to be able to get through the day without the need for pain meds. This surgery will accomplish that. I'll be having a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy; an outpatient procedure to remove endometrial implants outside of the uterus. (Endometrium is the lining of the inside of the uterus but with Endometriosis it grows on the outside of the uterus or on the tubes or ovaries or intestines)

Also, I forgot to mention that my last beta came back at 7. They like to see it go back down to zero but he said 7 was low enough that I didn't need to do any further blood work.

I was originally diagnosed with endometriosis back in 1996. I've had this surgery twice already; in 1996 and then again in 1999. It is not a permanent cure as endo will grow back over time. Since it has been more than 10 years since I last had the surgery I decided it may be time to have it again. See, because of the tremendous amount of pain I deal with I've received all kinds of "treatments" from pain meds, to spinal injections, to neuro-stimulator implants and physical therapy. In the end my doctors said there was nothing more they could do and that it was time to move forward with a hysterectomy. I've always wanted to be a mother and couldn't imagine this being the end. Unfortunately I'm not married or dating anyone and it seemed that having a baby wasn't an option. I began doing some research and found that many women choose motherhood through donor intrauterine insemination, even though they are single. I grappled with the idea for over a year before making a final decision to do this on my own; to become a Single Mom by Choice.

I went for a consultation with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). The RE told me I would likely become pregnant within 3 to 4 cycles of intrauterine insemination (IUI). I carefully went over every detail of the donor profiles before making a decision. Once I had chosen my donor I proceeded with the IUIs. After 3 failed IUIs I began to get very worried. My RE said it was time to move on to invitro fertilization (IVF). Of course many health insurance policies will not cover fertility treatments and even though the IUIs were expensive (nearly $1200 per cycle, including donor sperm) they were nothing in comparison to IVF treatments which would be closer to $12,000 per cycle. I was scared and confused and unsure why my body didn't seem to be working properly. I convinced my RE to do another HSG dye test to make sure my fallopian tubes were open and functional. (often women will become pregnant right after this test because the dye clears the tubes of any debris, unless they are completely blocked) My tubes were open and looked good. I did one more IUI after this dye test and fell pregnant.

This pregnancy, though carefully planned, was a big surprise to me. I went through the 2 week wait and began spotting and had a very very light period. I thought this meant it hadn't worked. I was crushed. This was my last IUI before having to somehow come up with the money for IVF. Ultimately, I decided to try a new RE for a second opinion. He suggested the surgery to remove the endo and that I could try a few more IUIs before moving to IVF. Well, the spotting didn't stop. For some strange reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and low and behold... it was POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. I was so excited... but my excitement quickly turned into fear when I thought of how many days I'd been bleeding; nearly 10 days. I called my new RE and told him the news and he got me in right away for a beta (blood test to check HCG levels). HCG is the hormone your body produces during pregnancy and is responsible for creating that second line on home pregnancy tests). He also started me on progesterone suppositories to stop the spotting. My beta came back lower than expected but my RE said it was okay after seeing the second beta which had more than doubled. I was so relieved.

He did a scan at 7 weeks pregnant and found what he told me was either a twin or a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) (fancy name for a blood clot). He said if it WAS SCH, that it was not something to worry about and that it often resolved itself and that it was very possible that this was a second placenta we were seeing. I was elated. I couldn't believe I was possibly carrying twins! He asked me to come back in 2 weeks to do another scan to see if we could get a clear answer on what he was seeing, twin or SCH. Either way I had at least one healthy baby growing inside me with a tiny beating heart. That was by far the best day of my life.

I went back 2 weeks later at 9 weeks pregnant and THAT was one of the WORST days of my life (tied with the day of my D & C - hard to say which day was the worst since they were both horrible). That's when I was told that my baby had died one week earlier at exactly 8 weeks of pregnancy. I couldn't believe it... I still can't believe it.

So, that is how I became pregnant for the first time. It was the happiest and most sad experience of my life. I still miss her and cry for her every day, though the crying is becoming less and less.

I want to thank those of you that are reading my blog and want to invite you to "follow" my blog by clicking the "follow" button on the left of your screen. I also want to encourage you to leave comments or message me. Tell me your stories, tell me what helped you to get through a similar situation.

Much love to you all.