It’s been a while since I’ve updated you all. I’ve seen such a drastic improvement in my mood since my doctor switched my medication that I guess I’ve felt good enough to get out and live my life and haven’t really set aside time for blogging! I won’t write as much to this one because now I’ve started a new TTC blog. I’ve considered doing a Vlog since I have a built-in camera on my laptop but I’m a little camera shy. LOL!! We’ll see.
I’m back at work and feeling more and more like my old self every day. I still have my moments of tears for PJ but all in all I’m doing better. I want to say that looking back, I have NO REGRETS about the length of time I took off work (even though in the beginning I did). Now that I’m feeling better I realize just how much I needed that time to process what I’d been through. I encourage those of you who have experienced the loss of a child to really be gentle and patient with yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. Time free of guilt, judgment, and stress. I believe I would have taken steps backward instead of moving forward if I had gone back to work too soon. Trust me when I say that people around you will have their own opinions about how you are handling your loss. Some will share those opinions and others won’t but rest with comfort in the fact that you are your own expert. Nobody can tell you what is right or wrong for you. Everyone heals differently and it’s very difficult to define. You are the bereaved parent, therefore the expert on your own grief and healing. Trust yourself and do what feels right.
I think that’s the ONLY reason that I can proudly say that I am a SURVIVER of miscarriage.
Much love to you all.
XOXOXO
Friday, May 21, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Change
Mother's Day was quite difficult for me. Knowing that I would have been over 20 weeks pregnant and would have had an u/s to determine the sex of the baby (though I do believe it was a girl)... it was difficult to realize that Mother's Day was supposed to be this beautiful day for the "mother-to-be" and now it's not. I'm empty.
My friends have been saying for years that I'm already a mother because of my nature and because of the way I've mothered my nephews so I usually get a "Happy Mother's Day" from them. I did get that from my mom and from one friend but it was difficult to NOT receive that from people who usually would recognize me on this day every year, especially since now I really AM a mother... bereaved, but a mother just the same. It hurt.
I have to remind myself that people don't know what to say or how to behave after a miscarriage. They just don't and neither did I before it happened to me so I must forgive the people I care about for being incapable of supporting me during this time. It is difficult though.
I will say that I believe my new medication is working. I'm beginning to feel more motivated and I feel like I actually have some hope! That's right... I said HOPE! It's refreshing because it wasn't long ago that I thought I'd never have hope again. I'm feeling more like myself each day and for that I am grateful.
I wish I didn't have this nagging feeling that friendships were slipping away. Not completely but maybe "changing" is a more appropriate word. It's not exactly the change I was going for and I don't much like it but I don't much have control over it either. So, here's to change and doing my best to see the good in it!
My friends have been saying for years that I'm already a mother because of my nature and because of the way I've mothered my nephews so I usually get a "Happy Mother's Day" from them. I did get that from my mom and from one friend but it was difficult to NOT receive that from people who usually would recognize me on this day every year, especially since now I really AM a mother... bereaved, but a mother just the same. It hurt.
I have to remind myself that people don't know what to say or how to behave after a miscarriage. They just don't and neither did I before it happened to me so I must forgive the people I care about for being incapable of supporting me during this time. It is difficult though.
I will say that I believe my new medication is working. I'm beginning to feel more motivated and I feel like I actually have some hope! That's right... I said HOPE! It's refreshing because it wasn't long ago that I thought I'd never have hope again. I'm feeling more like myself each day and for that I am grateful.
I wish I didn't have this nagging feeling that friendships were slipping away. Not completely but maybe "changing" is a more appropriate word. It's not exactly the change I was going for and I don't much like it but I don't much have control over it either. So, here's to change and doing my best to see the good in it!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A letter to my daughter
Hello my darling daughter. I've wanted to write this letter to you for a long time now. It's difficult to find the words to express my love for you and my feelings about losing you.
The day I found out that you had come into my life was one of the happiest days of my life. I kept pinching myself because I thought to myself, surely I am dreaming!! I wasn't. You were here and you were real. The first person I told about you was Nanna. She was so excited and also in disbelief! She bought Mommy a dozen pink roses because she just knew she was getting a new granddaughter. Nanna loves and misses you so much. She gave me a Mother's Day card, which means the world to me. It's important for people to know that I'm still your Mom.
I will never forget the day I saw your tiny heart beating inside me. It was the single most beautiful day of my life.
Only 2 weeks later I experienced the worst day of my life; the day I found out that you had left us in spirit. My heart was shattered that I'd lost my precious baby girl. My heart is still broken over losing you but I try to remind myself that the only reason I hurt so much is because I had the privilege of loving you so deeply.
You will always be a part of my life even though you are not here with me on this earth. I feel you all around me; in the cool breeze on my skin, in the fragrant flowers of spring, in the rain on my shoulders and the sun shining on my face.
I wish you could be here to experience all the love we have for you.
Your Nanna supported me, and continues to support me, through the grieving process and through the growth process of learning acceptance. She is a remarkable human being and would have showered you with so many hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love.
Nanna loves you!!
Pops experienced heartbreak when I lost you as well. He was so excited about having a new grand baby. Pops is a man with integrity and love, childlike playfulness and generosity. He is a man that chose to become Mommy's daddy even though he didn't have to. He always treated me as his own.
Pops loves you!!
Your Uncle AJ (or as your cousins call him "Uncle J") is a funny, tender, loving, sentimental and VERY talented young man. He has dreamed of meeting you even before you were conceived. He would have been an overflowing source of love and affection.
Uncle J loves you!!
Your Aunt Jessica was beyond thrilled when I told her I was pregnant with you. She couldn't wait to meet you and for you and her three boys (your cousins) to play together. She is a very loving and fun aunt and you would have adored her as much as I do. She would have let you do things when Mommy said, "no". She's a beautiful person and cried when I told her you were gone. She misses you.
Aunt Jessica loves you!!
Kasen, Christopher and Tyler are your cousins. The were excited to find out that their Aunt Charity was pregnant with a sweet little baby. The couldn't wait to meet you and would ask about you each time I spoke to them on the phone. They were so sad to hear that you'd left us in spirit and they made cards for Mommy to cheer me up. Those boys are my heart and I know even though we live far apart you would have been close with them.
Kasen, Christopher and Tyler love you!!
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and you're not here, growing inside me. I miss you so much it hurts. Mommy just wants you to know that even though I've been so sad, none of this is your fault. My love for you is so strong that it's beginning to overshadow the pain. I will never forget you. My family, no matter how large it should grow, will always be one family member short. You are my daughter and you always will be. I will always love you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. I wonder how big you would be now and I often think about what you might have looked like. Maybe you would have looked like Mommy or your donor dad? Maybe you would have looked like your Uncle J or your Aunt Jessica or your Nanna? I know you would have been beautiful.
Though the pain still runs deep, I hold the utmost love and gratitude for you.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for choosing me to be your Mommy.
I love you PJ!!!
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
The day I found out that you had come into my life was one of the happiest days of my life. I kept pinching myself because I thought to myself, surely I am dreaming!! I wasn't. You were here and you were real. The first person I told about you was Nanna. She was so excited and also in disbelief! She bought Mommy a dozen pink roses because she just knew she was getting a new granddaughter. Nanna loves and misses you so much. She gave me a Mother's Day card, which means the world to me. It's important for people to know that I'm still your Mom.
I will never forget the day I saw your tiny heart beating inside me. It was the single most beautiful day of my life.
Only 2 weeks later I experienced the worst day of my life; the day I found out that you had left us in spirit. My heart was shattered that I'd lost my precious baby girl. My heart is still broken over losing you but I try to remind myself that the only reason I hurt so much is because I had the privilege of loving you so deeply.
You will always be a part of my life even though you are not here with me on this earth. I feel you all around me; in the cool breeze on my skin, in the fragrant flowers of spring, in the rain on my shoulders and the sun shining on my face.
I wish you could be here to experience all the love we have for you.
Your Nanna supported me, and continues to support me, through the grieving process and through the growth process of learning acceptance. She is a remarkable human being and would have showered you with so many hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love.
Nanna loves you!!
Pops experienced heartbreak when I lost you as well. He was so excited about having a new grand baby. Pops is a man with integrity and love, childlike playfulness and generosity. He is a man that chose to become Mommy's daddy even though he didn't have to. He always treated me as his own.
Pops loves you!!
Your Uncle AJ (or as your cousins call him "Uncle J") is a funny, tender, loving, sentimental and VERY talented young man. He has dreamed of meeting you even before you were conceived. He would have been an overflowing source of love and affection.
Uncle J loves you!!
Your Aunt Jessica was beyond thrilled when I told her I was pregnant with you. She couldn't wait to meet you and for you and her three boys (your cousins) to play together. She is a very loving and fun aunt and you would have adored her as much as I do. She would have let you do things when Mommy said, "no". She's a beautiful person and cried when I told her you were gone. She misses you.
Aunt Jessica loves you!!
Kasen, Christopher and Tyler are your cousins. The were excited to find out that their Aunt Charity was pregnant with a sweet little baby. The couldn't wait to meet you and would ask about you each time I spoke to them on the phone. They were so sad to hear that you'd left us in spirit and they made cards for Mommy to cheer me up. Those boys are my heart and I know even though we live far apart you would have been close with them.
Kasen, Christopher and Tyler love you!!
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and you're not here, growing inside me. I miss you so much it hurts. Mommy just wants you to know that even though I've been so sad, none of this is your fault. My love for you is so strong that it's beginning to overshadow the pain. I will never forget you. My family, no matter how large it should grow, will always be one family member short. You are my daughter and you always will be. I will always love you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. I wonder how big you would be now and I often think about what you might have looked like. Maybe you would have looked like Mommy or your donor dad? Maybe you would have looked like your Uncle J or your Aunt Jessica or your Nanna? I know you would have been beautiful.
Though the pain still runs deep, I hold the utmost love and gratitude for you.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for choosing me to be your Mommy.
I love you PJ!!!
Love Always and Forever,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ready for a change
Here I am, CD6 and still bleeding and cramping. Ugh!! I'm actually ready for a change in my attitude though. I'm so tired of waking up in the mornings with the hopeless feeling that I can't get through another day. The feeling that I might as well stay in bed because nothing else matters. Why bother? I've had a "good day" here and there but I always end up right back here in the thick of it.
See, I'm not new to depression. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression 13 years ago even though the depression actually began when I was closer to 12 or 13.
I want to get a handle on the depression before getting back into TTC but then I think about the strong possibility that I could end up suffering from Postpartum Depression. That really scares me. :(
When I start thinking about those things I become even more hopeless but the thought of never having a child of my own is even worse. See how this works?
I saw my psychiatrist on Monday so I just need to be a little more patient to see if this new medication will be helpful. I really hope so. I hate being in this place. I'm ready for a change!!!
See, I'm not new to depression. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression 13 years ago even though the depression actually began when I was closer to 12 or 13.
I want to get a handle on the depression before getting back into TTC but then I think about the strong possibility that I could end up suffering from Postpartum Depression. That really scares me. :(
When I start thinking about those things I become even more hopeless but the thought of never having a child of my own is even worse. See how this works?
I saw my psychiatrist on Monday so I just need to be a little more patient to see if this new medication will be helpful. I really hope so. I hate being in this place. I'm ready for a change!!!
20 weeks
Today I would have been 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway through my pregnancy with PJ. I so miss being pregnant and miss my sweet little baby. I think about how big she would be now and how big I would be!! It's difficult to fight back the tears on days like today when I think of missed milestones. I do much better now and I'm' able to talk about her without crying but on days like today, I just fall apart all over again.
PJ, Mommy loves you so much and will NEVER EVER forget you. You will be a special part of my life forever and will never be forgotten. You are my child and I love you!!!
Love, Mommy
PJ, Mommy loves you so much and will NEVER EVER forget you. You will be a special part of my life forever and will never be forgotten. You are my child and I love you!!!
Love, Mommy
Sunday, May 2, 2010
OUCH!!!
AF has been a big, mean, meanie this time around. The cramping and bleeding have been super heavy and painful. Ugh! Hoping this will let up soon. It's made for a dull weekend with me in bed with my heating pad for the majority of the time.
The good news is that emotionally, I'm feeling a bit better today. Not quite so down in the dumps and feeling slightly optimistic. Not sure where it's coming from but I'm not complaining!! haha. I'm glad to have a good day after so many bad ones.
Hoping tomorrow will be a good day with continued emotional improvement and hopefully less cramping. Maybe I'll actually get some things done! I have so much cleaning and organizing to do now that the plumbing has been fixed. The leak was so bad that the tile floors are just awful and will take some extra effort to clean up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I feel good enough to be productive tomorrow and get it done.
I will be using OPKs this month to check for ovulation timing. I'll be doing that the next few months just to monitor my cycles to see where I am which will be helpful when I decide to begin TTC again.
Okay, that's all for now. More tomorrow.
XOXO
Charity
The good news is that emotionally, I'm feeling a bit better today. Not quite so down in the dumps and feeling slightly optimistic. Not sure where it's coming from but I'm not complaining!! haha. I'm glad to have a good day after so many bad ones.
Hoping tomorrow will be a good day with continued emotional improvement and hopefully less cramping. Maybe I'll actually get some things done! I have so much cleaning and organizing to do now that the plumbing has been fixed. The leak was so bad that the tile floors are just awful and will take some extra effort to clean up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I feel good enough to be productive tomorrow and get it done.
I will be using OPKs this month to check for ovulation timing. I'll be doing that the next few months just to monitor my cycles to see where I am which will be helpful when I decide to begin TTC again.
Okay, that's all for now. More tomorrow.
XOXO
Charity
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