Here I am, once again, mourning the loss of PJ. All while mourning the loss of another relationship. Looks like my journey to motherhood will be single after all.
The second anniversary of PJ's loss is almost here, 2/16. And, I must say I'm having a much more difficult time handling the grief this year than I did last year. I think what makes it that much more difficult is that I feel somehow that people might judge me for still grieving, two years later. I can't help it though. I still feel like a piece of me is missing and I'm not sure that I'll ever get it back or get over it.
I'm still looking for work, after being laid off from my job, and I'm finishing up my masters degree in social work. I work hard and try to give of myself when I can but lately I've been a bit selfish. I've neglected friendships and worst of all I hurt someone that I dearly love. For reasons I won't go into here we faced some obstacles that diminished the affection I had for him. When trust goes, intimacy follows. I'm sad and hurting that I have hurt him so much. My heart breaks for him and I suppose a little for me as well because I know now that I must face my fertility challenges alone once again. I will always have a special place in my heart for this man and will probably never forgive myself for the ways in which I hurt him. You know who you are and from them bottom of my heart --- I am truly sorry and will always love you.
I'm back in therapy for depression and my new therapist suggested that I come up with a way to commemorate PJ this year on her second anniversary. I'm finding it difficult to come up with a way that will honor her properly. Especially since the anniversary falls on my mother's birthday, from which I do not want to detract attention. That is her special day and I know in my own heart I will always think of PJ on that day.
I feel hopeless that I'll ever become a mother and that I will ever find happiness. My depression comes and goes and I've noticed a marked increase in my anxiety which I am treating with prescription medications. I wish I could make all of this just go away but facing it is my only option. I only wish I weren't having to face it alone... but I guess it is my own fault that I am facing that dilemma. Somehow putting myself first always seems to get me into trouble in my life. I'm wondering if I shouldn't take a permanent back seat to other people's lives and problems. That seems to be where I'm most comfortable anyway.
Tomorrow is another therapy day so let's hope for a productive session.
Any suggestions on memorial ideas for PJ would be most appreciated!!
This loss is just something I think will never ever go away.
Until next time...
Thanks for reading and commenting.