Somehow I keep expecting to wake up one morning and feel better but so far I have felt no improvement. It's very discouraging and makes me sometimes feel like I'm crazy.
I'm still struggling with people in my life who have been less than understanding. It's difficult.
To say that losing a baby is painful doesn't really give an accurate description of what it feels like. It's beyond painful... and what happens is that as a mother (and we ARE still her mothers, even though we don't have our precious babies in our arms to prove it) your pain may be more intense and last longer than others, such as mine has. The difficult thing is that in the beginning I had all these people in my life who were so compassionate and understanding about my loss and grief but after a couple of weeks it seems that most people forget about it (and expect that I have done the same). Of course, life goes on somehow but in a completely different way than I pictured it, which causes new pain to surface every time I am faced with those "differences".
My support network is dwindling as time continues to pass. It almost seems to feel worse now than it did in the very beginning. I'm sure shock is partly to blame but also the changing dynamics of my support system and the passage of time that reminds me that life goes on whether I like it or not.
I'm still waiting patiently for the antidepressants to begin their important work... and I'm back to see the counselor tomorrow. I'm hoping for a productive session.
More tomorrow...
~ Charity
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Learning to trust myself...
Grieving the loss of a baby is such a deeply private experience. It's not something that can be explained... only lived. I find myself looking to others for validation and acceptance. I've learned that pregnancy loss is also an extremely lonely process and that I can look to nobody but myself for how I should feel. A friend recently told me that when remove all the "shoulds" in this process I would finally begin to heal. That is difficult to say the least... I'm a people pleaser by nature and want to feel like what I'm experiencing and the way I'm handling it is "normal". What I'm discovering is that there is no "normal" in grieving the loss of your child. Family and friends can offer suggestions on what might help me to move forward but ultimately healing will happen in my own time, which is not something I can even define.
My goal this week is to begin to put one foot in front of the other... waking up in the morning instead of staying in bed all day, taking a shower and getting dressed. Mom has suggested I get in the car and go somewhere, perhaps the beach or the mall and take a walk, something. I'm still on a leave of absence from work and don't feel I'm equipped to get through the workday at this point. I've really beat myself up for being out of work but I'm realizing that all the time I spend beating myself up is time NOT spent grieving the loss of my sweet little baby, which means it's time not spent IN the healing process... only analyzing the healing process. In a sense I've stunted my own healing growth by all the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". As I said in my first post... this is a "learn as I go" experience since I've never been through this before.
Learning to trust myself means allowing myself to grieve without judgment and without feeling guilty; trusting that I'm handling this in the best way that I can and that there is no "wrong" way to handle the death of my baby.
I began seeing a new therapist today, as the first one didn't prove to be at all helpful. He was really quite good and I think our sessions will be productive over time. He was extremely sensitive to my feelings of grief and depression. He acknowledged that this is a profound loss and that my absence from work and time spent grieving and crying and thinking things over and over are completely appropriate. He encouraged me to write about my feelings so I think this blog will be very helpful in the long run and my hope is that it may help someone else along the way.
As I sit here and type I'm feeling tempted to bring this post to a close because it is getting so long but I still have more to say... so I will continue to write.
I thought I might list some things that have been helpful for me in the last couple of weeks.
~ allowing myself to be alone in the beginning and now as more time is passing, allowing (and often forcing myself) to be around other people... I usually don't feel like it but often I'm glad I did spend that time with someone else.
~ allowing myself to distance myself from people who have made insensitive comments about my loss... being around or talking to people who love me and truly care about what I'm going through.
~ reminding myself that before this happened I myself couldn't understand the impact of miscarriage so I can't expect other people to understand unless they've been through it - I've had to learn to be patient with people around me who think I should be able to move on more quickly
~ talking to other women who have been through the loss of a baby --- this one I cannot stress enough! This has been one of the most helpful things for me to do. Since this is such a lonely process it helps to know that even though you may feel alone, you are not.
~ getting help from a counselor - the first one I went to wasn't helpful but I didn't give up until I found one that I knew I could connect with.
~ writing about my loss and the feelings associated with all that it entails
~ reading other women's pregnancy loss stories
~ talking with a friend who has been through the loss of a baby - she understands what I'm going through
~ purchasing a "memorial necklace" in honor of my baby and to honor my grief
~ I have a history of depression so I have begun taking my antidepressants again... I haven't noticed a difference yet but I'm hoping this will also be helpful
My mom has been my biggest supporter through my grief. Even though she herself has never experienced miscarriage, she has educated herself on what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say. (I may do a post on what not to say another time because I feel it is so important)
She has been a great sounding board as well. She's okay to sit with me in silence and just let me cry or she's okay to sit and talk with me or just listen to me talk. If you have someone in your life you can talk to, use that person. Talking about your baby can be helpful by giving a voice to your pain.
In the end... I think the most important thing we can do as we suffer the loss of our children is to be gentle with ourselves. I'm still learning how to do this but I'm working at it everyday.
Mommy misses and loves you PJ!
Charity
My goal this week is to begin to put one foot in front of the other... waking up in the morning instead of staying in bed all day, taking a shower and getting dressed. Mom has suggested I get in the car and go somewhere, perhaps the beach or the mall and take a walk, something. I'm still on a leave of absence from work and don't feel I'm equipped to get through the workday at this point. I've really beat myself up for being out of work but I'm realizing that all the time I spend beating myself up is time NOT spent grieving the loss of my sweet little baby, which means it's time not spent IN the healing process... only analyzing the healing process. In a sense I've stunted my own healing growth by all the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". As I said in my first post... this is a "learn as I go" experience since I've never been through this before.
Learning to trust myself means allowing myself to grieve without judgment and without feeling guilty; trusting that I'm handling this in the best way that I can and that there is no "wrong" way to handle the death of my baby.
I began seeing a new therapist today, as the first one didn't prove to be at all helpful. He was really quite good and I think our sessions will be productive over time. He was extremely sensitive to my feelings of grief and depression. He acknowledged that this is a profound loss and that my absence from work and time spent grieving and crying and thinking things over and over are completely appropriate. He encouraged me to write about my feelings so I think this blog will be very helpful in the long run and my hope is that it may help someone else along the way.
As I sit here and type I'm feeling tempted to bring this post to a close because it is getting so long but I still have more to say... so I will continue to write.
I thought I might list some things that have been helpful for me in the last couple of weeks.
~ allowing myself to be alone in the beginning and now as more time is passing, allowing (and often forcing myself) to be around other people... I usually don't feel like it but often I'm glad I did spend that time with someone else.
~ allowing myself to distance myself from people who have made insensitive comments about my loss... being around or talking to people who love me and truly care about what I'm going through.
~ reminding myself that before this happened I myself couldn't understand the impact of miscarriage so I can't expect other people to understand unless they've been through it - I've had to learn to be patient with people around me who think I should be able to move on more quickly
~ talking to other women who have been through the loss of a baby --- this one I cannot stress enough! This has been one of the most helpful things for me to do. Since this is such a lonely process it helps to know that even though you may feel alone, you are not.
~ getting help from a counselor - the first one I went to wasn't helpful but I didn't give up until I found one that I knew I could connect with.
~ writing about my loss and the feelings associated with all that it entails
~ reading other women's pregnancy loss stories
~ talking with a friend who has been through the loss of a baby - she understands what I'm going through
~ purchasing a "memorial necklace" in honor of my baby and to honor my grief
~ I have a history of depression so I have begun taking my antidepressants again... I haven't noticed a difference yet but I'm hoping this will also be helpful
My mom has been my biggest supporter through my grief. Even though she herself has never experienced miscarriage, she has educated herself on what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say. (I may do a post on what not to say another time because I feel it is so important)
She has been a great sounding board as well. She's okay to sit with me in silence and just let me cry or she's okay to sit and talk with me or just listen to me talk. If you have someone in your life you can talk to, use that person. Talking about your baby can be helpful by giving a voice to your pain.
In the end... I think the most important thing we can do as we suffer the loss of our children is to be gentle with ourselves. I'm still learning how to do this but I'm working at it everyday.
Mommy misses and loves you PJ!
Charity
D & C
This post is to share with you information about my D & C. The experience and feelings associated with the procedure. After my doctor confirmed that the pregnancy was no longer viable he recommended a D & C because he said it could take weeks to miscarry and he didn't want to put me through that. I took his word for it; believing it would be too painful emotionally to deal with losing my baby at home. The surgery itself was not major and I went home the same day, 7 hours later. I had bleeding and cramping for nearly two weeks after. In all honesty I can say with deep regret and shame that the thought of seeing my lifeless baby frightened me. Given the opportunity to go back and do things over, I would have birthed my baby at home with dignity. I feel that I robbed my baby of the respect and reverence she so deserved. I will forever bear the burden of remorse. I gave up the opportunity to see and hold my baby, see her face, her small fragile body, her tiny fingers and toes. Instead I only have the memory of my last sonogram; a black and white fuzzy image of my would-be first born. I didn't get to bury my child. Instead she was regarded as "products of conception" or "tissue" and she was thrown away.
So, not only do I have to grieve the loss of my child but I have to try to forgive myself for choosing a D & C. Oh how I wish I could go back and change it. I'm so sorry.
I do want to say that the decision to naturally birth your baby at home or to have a D & C is a highly personal and private decision. There really isn't any right way to do it... only what feels right to you and of course what your doctor recommends because there are risks associated with either option. I simply urge you to follow your instincts and do what feels right for you.
If you have any questions about D & C or miscarriage, please feel free to comment or message me.
Until next time...
Charity
So, not only do I have to grieve the loss of my child but I have to try to forgive myself for choosing a D & C. Oh how I wish I could go back and change it. I'm so sorry.
I do want to say that the decision to naturally birth your baby at home or to have a D & C is a highly personal and private decision. There really isn't any right way to do it... only what feels right to you and of course what your doctor recommends because there are risks associated with either option. I simply urge you to follow your instincts and do what feels right for you.
If you have any questions about D & C or miscarriage, please feel free to comment or message me.
Until next time...
Charity
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